JP's Wonderful World

On days that I have a difficult time at work, it's always nice to have something to make me smile on hand. Today wasn't a difficult one, but this sure did make me smile. This is one of my students from last year and the year before, and we worked throughout the year in learning to sign "What a Wonderful World." JP took off with it, and was able to do it on the school morning announcements. And here he is now with his very own YouTube spot! This is an accomplishment for any kid, special needs or not. :)

THE LAST TIME

This term at UNF will be:

1. The LAST time I pay a ridiculous amount for books I will never read again.
2. The LAST time I will walk across the stage for a degree (at least, I think...)
3. The LAST time I have to ride on that annoying bus.
4. The LAST time I have to stand at that even more annoying bus stop to catch the bus to and from class.
5. The LAST time I have to worry about cramming everything in at work so I can get to school.
6. The LAST time I hopefully pay ridiculous amounts of money for a course (yeah right, I'm a teacher, I have to take classes, I should scratch this one.)

How Do You Stop Feeling?

I hesitate in posting this, because to me it seems like a terribly trite way for me to be feeling at the moment. Even so, I have to spill it somewhere, and this IS supposed to be my space to do such things. I feel like I've been a basket loaded with emotions for the past few days, for multiple reasons which I won't go into at the moment. But with the quiet I've had here while Fay has been slamming through Jacksonville, I can't avoid it. In fact all that has just intensified my feelings.

And all the above probably really doesn't make a lick of sense. I guess what I'm asking is how to stop feeling when something deep within hurts but you just don't think you have any right to be feeling the way you are.

Does this even make any sense?

How many times have I done this to myself?
How long will it take before I see?
When will this hole in my heart be mended?
Who then is left alone but me?

Oh, Solitude
Forever me and forever you
Oh, Solitude
I can't stay away from you

Everyone leaves me stranded,
Forgotten, abandoned,
Left behind
I can't stay here another night...

(from "Solitude" by Evanescence)

In the Aftermath of Fay

Ok, looks like the storm is FINALLY passing. It has been pummeling Jax since sometime Wednesday. My apartment parking lot looks like a small stream with branches here and there. Some of the roads look like that too. Fences are down and crumpled all over this part of the city.

In other parts of Jacksonville, it is much worse. I keep wondering that, if a tropical storm was this bad, what would it be like if we were hit by a hurricane. That hasn't happened here since 1980, and the weather people keep commenting (perhaps a bit too eagerly) that one is long overdue. We seem to keep lucking out, but I hope that luck doesn't run out.

To all of you who have kept tabs on things and checked to see if I'm alive and not floating away or blowing away, thanks. Let's hope this is the only time for a major storm this hurricane season. My hopes, however, are not high. Seems if we get hit by one, we get at least two. For thosse of you who HAVEN'T been keeping tabs, yeah, I made it on through. I'm hoping you had your head under a rock the whole time, because I know pictures made it all the way to the news in Tennessee where we have relatives. I guess I'm a bit surprised at who did and DIDN'T check in; maybe I'm just being a bit touchy on that.

But let's not go there tonight. For the moment, all is well (and very wet) here in Jacksonville. And I'll leave it at that.

More On Fay

I haven't much to add today since I've just been sitting here at home all day avoiding the weather. To update, Fay is now coming as a tropical storm that will hit in Flager County (south of Jacksonville) and will impact us with heavy rains and wind. Power outages are likely, so those of you who might actually be looking for me online, if I disappear for a long time this will probably be why.

Let's hope not. When I lose my internet connection I feel like I am disconnected to the world.

Tropical Storm (Hurricane) Fay

Fay is predicted to come directly through the center of Jacksonville on Thursday at 2:00 pm at a Category 1 force Hurricane. Jacksonville has not had a huricane since Dora in 1980. I have also never been in a hurricane, although I've been here during a Tropical Storm.

Just in case anyone is interested to know. I need to go get some non-perishables tomorrow.

By the way, thank you Graysith and Smacky for your support/suggestions on my previous post. That was not such a good day, and I really needed some morale comments. So again, thank you. And Smacky, I've looked into the Meetup stuff before and even signed up for a writing group. I just haven't actuall worked up the nerve to go.

I'm Not Angry, Just Alone

I'm sitting here in Panera Bread plugged in on laptop. I've been here since approximately 7:00 pm, and in 45 minutes I've consumed soup and salad and a fruit cup. I'm working on a cafe latte, and I can't tell if it's sweetened enough because of the fruit.

I've been sitting here alone for the past 45 minutes. Nobody else is with me. I'm sure someone might say that I should be enjoying my time to myself since work starts again Monday and I won't have so much then. Someone else might say that I should appreciate being on my own and not attached to anything or anyone, or something lame like that. Seriously, everyone, that does not help how I feel in the least.

Recently a friend asked me if I was angry with them. My response was that I wasn't angry at anyone, but perhaps at life in general. Life and the hand that it's dealt me, really. I mean, I'm a nice enough person. I'm not an axe murderer (I think), I like to talk to people I know and have fun, and I like to listen as well. And yet I'm single and here in Jacksonville I don't have any friends other than people I work with. I keep telling myself I am going to try harder to get out and do things to be around people. But going out alone scares me and I worry about being rejected or misunderstood or something.

I'm not sure if this is making sense, but hopefully you are still following me (if not, my excuse is that I just ran into someone I know who subbed at my school and we were talking). To sum up, I need to get out, but don't want to alone. So what do I do instead? I stay home and get online or I go out and get online. But everyone else, unlike myself, has some sort of life. I message people hoping to talk to anyone, just to talk, and I don't always necessarily have success. I don't blame anyone for this, after all, you have lives, and I should too. But sometimes it is really frustrating to have so much to say and no one to talk to, ya know? I feel like a heel saying that, but that's what it really comes down to.

I'm not angry at anyone. I'm just alone. Painfully alone.

Some Random Bits of Information

It's late, and it's been a busy week, but I figured I should at least post something since I've been trying to do better about keeping this place updated. So here are a few brief blurbs:

1. As of Tuesday, my degree evaluation at UNF has been corrected. I should be walking in December. If I am not for some reason, you will find me in jail because I will have murdered someone on campus responsible for stopping me for some idiotic reason.

2. I have officially moved more little furniture from one classroom to another than I ever want to move again in a long time. For those of you who might know, I teach an autism self-contained classroom. I have taught Prekindergarten, Kindergarten, and First. I would have had first graders this year but was approached at the end of the last school term to take the PreK/K kids because the teacher hired so we could add a 6th class preferred older kids. I accepted, but the district sent a TON of new stuff for the PreK classroom so it only made sense for me to move with the new stuff (and my old, teacher made stuff) into the new classroom. I have worked for the past 3 days (without pay since planning does not start til Monday) to move all the stuff and set up the room. Man, hard work. My entire body is sore.


3. I am having another quiet, lonely weekend. I don't go to bars, I have no social life, and I'm an introvert. Despite this, I really do like to meet people and get to know them. But it's the meeting part I find difficult, especially since I'm a Jacksonville transplant and I don't have anyone here to take along with me to go places. While I'd like to meet some people, I don't really feel comfortable going out alone to do so. I guess I might go to a nearby coffee shop some time tomorrow and just sit with my laptop, just to get out of here for a while. But I'm not sure how this will help me meet anyone even if it gets me away from home. This really sucks.

Since Everybody Else is Doing It

Since everybody is doing this "things I'm glad I do and don't have and wish I did or didn't have" thing, I might as well jump in on the bandwagon.

Things I'm Glad I Have
1. A rewarding job that pays fairly well (although teachers could ALWAYS make more, ya know?)
2. A few trustworthy souls that I can be myself around, although generally speaking most (all...?) of you are online and not here in Jax.
3. Loving family that supports me in all that I do.
4. A cat who loves me unconditionally. (who says that this is only a dog thing?!?)
5. God. (enough said)

Things I'm Glad I don't Have
1. Some majorly devastating disease/disorder
2. A Fever blister. If you've had them you know how much you don't want to have one again too.
3. Bad hair.
4. A job that requires me to work all year round.
5. A wort. Never had one, but it just sounds like something I don't want to have either.

Things I wish I did have
1. Some "RL" friends who are close by.
2. A significant other.
3. A house.
4. A maid.
5. An IPod.

Things I Wish I didn't Have
1. A few gray hairs. I'm not even 30 yet.
2. A vertically challenging issue. (I'm short)
3. A tendency to look at things negatively.
4. An upstairs neighbor (they walk like elephants)
5. A small shoe size (doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but YOU try finding shoes for feet my size and you'd understand).