I'm Sensitive...and I'd like to stay that way.

I'm a fairly big Jewel fan, particularly her earlier stuff that she actually wrote herself and based off real life experiences. Anyway, since I really haven't anything profound to share with you at the moment and I'm already headed for Books a Million today to by the story book that goes with her first album, Chasing Down the Dawn, I figured I'd leave you with these lyrics from one of her songs. Although not necessarily the most profound tune musically, the lyrics speak for themselves. Being a fan of the song I'm Just a Girl by No Doubt, these lyrics are rather similar in meaning...

...but reflect a little less cynicism. Jewel captures something I admittedly try to deny I am at times; an idealist. I've been told as much, anyway. She talks about the lack of respect for women, then at the end of the song talks about surrounding people with beauty and states "maybe if we are surrounded with beauty, we will become what we see" and "I'd rather see the world from this angle, we are everyday angels..."

She's quite the idealist, and she's got my prospective on life in one single song.

Here are the lyrics:

I'm Sensitive by Jewel

I was thinking that I might fly today
Just to disprove all the things that you say
It doesn't take a talent to be mean
You words can crush things that are unseen

So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way

You always tell me that it's impossible
To be respected, and be a girl
Why's it gotta be so complicated
Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated

So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way

When I was thinking, that it might do some good
If we robbed the cynics and took all their food
That way what they believe will have taken place
And we can give it people who have some faith

So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way

I have this theory, that if we're told we're bad
Then that's the only idea we'll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see
'Cause anyone can start a conflict
it's harder yet to disregard it
I'd rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way

Writing...

The loneliness is a palpable thing in this place
And I try to be strong.
The reality is this is truly my fault
I’m the one who is in the wrong.

When there is something for me to do
I shy away in fear.
I want more than anything for friendship
But I hesitate to let anyone near.

I don’t trust that they’ll understand me
And really don’t know how to anymore.
Will anyone ever dare to see
It’s only friendship I’m looking for?

Do you see only the surface?
Do you see within?
Do you dare to look beyond
Can you be my friend?

God, help me to trust you.
For I can’t go on like this
For in this loneliness I’ve created
It’s friendship that I miss.

CMH June 28, 2006

I don't claim this as particularly good poetry, but it's from my heart, and for reasons I can't really explain, I feel guilty that it is. I mean, I'm suddenly overwhelmed with a giant unspoken, "Hey, YOU!" that is trying to tell me that things could be worse, and that I'm being totally self cetered by whining and griping over my own problems. And really, I guess that feeling is at the heart of this poem. My loneliness is really my own fault, and I know this, truly and deeply.

But that doesn't make it an easier thing to get past; in fact I almost feel that it makes things worse for me. I mean, it is so easy for me to get online and talk to people that I've never seen in my life and to people who I knew when I was younger. But the very idea of trying to actually get to "know someone" in real life scares the you-know-what out of me. Being a Christian, of course I know the first and foremost solution to this is that I need to pray about it. Cause I don't think I have the strength on my own to face it.

And for all you loyal readers out there (cause I think you ARE there, even if you don't respond), thanks. The fact that anyone hears what I feel at all means the world to me.

And I swear that someday soon it's gonna get better, somehow.

The Last Straw?

I attend a somewhat small baptist church at the beach here. The singles ministry has never been big, and it's been really bumming me out that I have NOTHING to do lately. Sensibly, the church should be an outlet to cure this for me...

...but there has been no chance of that really until recently, that is unless I hung out with young married couples or college and career students not in my life situation. So they FINALLY get a new singles group. And what do they do?

They schedule it to meet at 8:00 pm on a Wednesday night at the beach.

::sighs:: I go to school two nights a week, teach, and go to practice with the choir (which is during this time) if I'm available at all.

I give up. I need to find a new church, but that scares me. I don't know where to start, and I don't like the prospect of a third church in my 9 years here in Jacksonville.

Flying Dreams

Flying Dreams

Dream by night
Wish by day
Love begins this way.
Loving starts
When open hearts
Touch, and stay.
Sleep for now
Dreaming's how
Lover's lives are planned.
Future songs
And flying dreams,
Hand, in hand.

Love it seems
Made flying dreams
So hearts, could soar.
Heaven sent
These wings were meant
To prove, once more.
That love is the key....
Love is the key.
You and I
Touch the sky
The eagle and the dove.
Nightingales
We keep our sails
Filled with love.
And love it seems
Made flying dreams,
To bring you home to me....


Love it seems
Made flying dreams
So hearts, could soar.
Heaven sent
These wings were meant
To prove, once more.
That love is the key....
Love is the key.


You and I
Touch the sky
The eagle and the dove.
Nightingales
We keep our sails
Filled with love.
Ever strong
Our future song,
To sing it must be free.


Ev'ry part
Is from the heart,
And love is still the key.
And love it seems
Made flying dreams
To bring you home
To me..

Wow, I'm posting two days in a row. Don't hold your breath, you know how these things go, I post a while and then I disappear. But I'm trying not to since this is really my only outlet. The long and short of today was I watched two movies, did some homework...

...and read through an old diary/journal that spanned from 1992-1997. Aside from the fact that I found myself at times extremely self-centered (hopefully that was because I was 12) I kept seeing this recurring hope to find someone to be with. And you know what, that hasn't disappeared. As I get older it just seems to be more damning that, in the end, I'm just gonna be alone. Yeah, you're going to say I'm not THAT old yet, that something can happen. Well, let's look at my prospects.

Oh yeah, that's right, there aren't any. I mean, it's pretty sad that nearly 10 years after I wrote my final "hopeful entry" about finding a prom date for my senior prom and perhaps finding a guy at college, all I can answer with is a resounding, "Yeah right."

What happened to those dreams? Apparently they are, "Flying Dreams," possibly only a hope of something I dearly want that isn't meant to be.

I hope not.




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Another Post After A Long While

I wanted to post about the college girl who was 4 foot 11 inches, who held up a bank, but I can't find the story. So I guess you'll have to read some stuff about me. Yeah, I know it's been a long time and I know that's why I haven't gotten alot of hits recently here, but I promise I'll try to do better. Maybe it will help the lonely spot in my heart that seems to just keep growing and growing.

I miss home. I miss friends. I'm tired of being alone but I'm scared of rejection.

So there's not much different going on there. In other random news, I've worked on a reading project with Destiny. She's still got a long way to go, but she's verbal. And she's got so much language swimming in her head that I can see the frustration when she can't get out what she wants to say to me. She needs a picture exchange system similar to what I use with my autistic students. Granted, that won't help her get ALL the language out she has, but it'll give her a start while she's still redeveloping her speech. As far as her reading goes, all the preskills are still there, i.e. letter/sound recognition. You just have to know how to give it to her to get the answer out. She can't always say the sound, so she needs some props (because she does identify them when she hears them and is asked "What letter makes this sound?")

I'm itching to get working in my classroom for August after a month off. I've done some part time work at the preschool, but haven't done much so far. So there isn't alot going on here, and that's probably why I'm wanting to get back to my classroom. And I probably will go there in a week or so, just to work on the computer.

I'm hoping that SOMETHING exciting happens this summer. I'm hoping to go observe the sky with my telescope in a week, but I'll have to drag my Dad along since I have no friends here. I'm also hoping that perhaps a couple of 'net friends are going to visit, but I'm freaked about meeting them because of that annoying rejection thing of mine.

And I wish I could visit Kate or something, but my funds won't permit me. And I need to start saving for my spring vacation to TN for next year...

...that is, if I'm still permitted to come visit.

So yeah,there's an update. And I promise it won't be another month and a half before the next blog.

Yes, really.