A Strange Day

Things that went well concerning today:

1. I had the day off. This is always good.
2. I got to the school board and back home without getting lost.
3. I have an appointment for an interview at the school board on the 13th of December.
4. I got a Coldplay's X & Y CD. Man, I need some more stuff by these guys, good CD.

Things that did NOT go well today:

1. I went all the way to the school board only to have to set another appointment for another day, which I may or may not be able to get off.
2. I found out a friend of mine is going through a really crappy time, to put it nicely.
3. I went to Walmart to find ornaments for my small, classroom tree, only to find that everything they had was ugly. They also did not have the small string of colored lights I need for the tree.
4. Walmart apparently does not believe in stocking Ben Folds or Ben Folds Five music. I looked last week, they had nothing. I looked today to find out the same.
5. I'm off, and no one came to post on the Pod today. Any other day, someone would be around.

The School Board, Birthday Wishes, and other Various Ramblings

First off, just wanted to give everyone a heads up to give me the very best wishes, keep their fingers crossed, and pray for me lots on Wednesday. I'm going for a visit to the Duval County School Board. I'm hoping to get across to them that I really want to work with little ones with profound physical and mental handicaps...here's hoping they get the message.

Secondly, I'd like to send out a big Happy Birthday to Jeremy, who is getting to be the ripe old age of 25. ::wishes SHE was still 25:: Have a great day and get some cake, K?

Finally, in other randomness, I'm looking into joining the NEFAS (Northeastern Florida Astronomical Society). Sounds like a plan, since my scope will be here by December 6...but I will feel like an astronomical washout! I pride myself on knowing stuff, but I really don't know alot about astronomy...at least not yet. I know I like to learn stuff ABOUT astronomy, but I've never used a scope or been around peeps who know alot about viewing. This should be interesting. Thank goodness I got an autostar scope, at least I won't appear TOTALLY clueless my first time out!

The Stargazergirl to go Stargazing Soon

So, after saving for nearly 6 months, I finally went out tonight to go telescope shopping at the Discovery Store, only to find out they didn't have the one I was interested in, a Meade Autostar DS 2140. So I went home and did some online shopping--which you should be very careful about, I found this same scope for over $100.00 more than what I bought it for. So , here is the scope I bought, from none other than the Home Shopping Network. Can't wait to do some stargazing on the beach...

...and to get my membership in the NEFAS set, when I get the cash flow for that.

Home, where I want to go

Still fighting off a minor case of depression, wanting to break free again. At least I'll be looking for my telescope tonight, possibly. If I buy one, I'll post about it. If anyone has some good cures for depression and loneliness, lemme know.

If anyone would like to buy me a plane ticket to TN for Christmas, that'd be fine too. Other wish lists things are some Ben Folds/Ben Folds Five CDs, some Coldplay CDs, and any of the Complete Guides to the Star Wars Universe (but particularly the ones about the planets and the ships and vessels)

Now, here are some lyrics that are very appropo.

Clocks

The lights go out and I can't be saved
Tides that I tried to swim against
Have brought me down upon my knees
Oh I beg, I beg and plead
Singing
Come out of the things unsaid
Shoot an apple off my head
troubles that can't be named
tigers waiting to be tamed
Singing

You are You are

Confusion never stops
closing walls and ticking clocks
Gonna come back and take you home
I could not stop, that you now know
Singing come out upon my seas
Curse missed opportunities
Am I a part of the cure
Or am I part of the disease
Singing

You are, you are
You are, you are
You are, you are
You are, you are

And nothing else compares
And nothing else compares
And nothing else compares
And nothing else compares

You are, you are

Home, home, where I wanted to go
Home, home, where I wanted to go
Home, home, where I wanted to go (You are)
Home, home, where I wanted to go (You are)

Fix You

Haven't got much to say today, I've been feeling kinda down with the end of the semester coming and Christmas on the way and no one to really just "hang out" with here. So here are some lyrics from Coldplay that I've found pretty profound lately. I feel the need to buy me a CD...

Fix You

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
when you too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just watch and learn

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from all my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Thanksgiving and Testimony

First and foremost, I'd like to wish all of you out there who listen to my joys, my gripes, and my tales a very Happy Thanksgiving. I am thankful for you all and your contributions to my thoughts as well as my life. Now onward--I wrote my testimony out tonight on suggestion from my Mom, and thought I'd post it here. It's long, but it pretty much tells my tale through and through, and might let you know a little bit more about me (if you already don't know enough, that is!)

CARRIE’S TESTIMONY

For those of you who may or may not know me, I’d like to tell you my tale; a tale I’m positive I would not be able to sit here and tell you today without the Grace of God. When I was born 26 years ago, doctors soon discovered I had a complete cleft palate. Because doctors wanted to wait until I was two to perform my palate construction, my mother had great difficulty feeding me. My Grandma worried I would not live two years; keeping food down after feedings often took my mother several attempts. None of the feeding options for babies with cleft palates seemed to be working effectively for me, so one evening my mother was inspired to go to the hospital and get a ton of premature bottle nipples. She lined those up all over the counter that evening and poked various sizes of holes in them until she got the one that worked. Needless to say I made it to my second birthday. My doctor performed the surgery, and my parents were told I might have to have more than one corrective surgery and might even need speech. Instead I had only the one surgery to construct my palate and never had any speech issues at all.

As a child I had several other medical conditions. I had several sets of tubes in my ears because my ear canals were formed differently due to my cleft palate. I had what doctors believed was a heart murmur and had two heart catherizations only to reveal that I simply had a space between two blood vessels that made my heartbeat sound slightly different. I did not walk until I was eighteen months old, when I was put into some corrective shoes.

But my story doesn’t end here with all the ways in which the Lord healed me, in which He provided ways for me to overcome my challenges. At the age of eight, my parents noticed that I was walking on the sides of my feet. This was apparent enough that my mother took me to the same doctor who had placed me in corrective shoes; he believed something deeper was going on than orthopedics, so he suggested she take me to a nuerologist. The nuerologist ran many tests: an EKG, EEG, CatScan, and so on. Something was different, but no one could put a definite finger on the what it was. I had no heredity for any nuerological disorder.

The closest diagnosis doctors could come to was Charcot Marie Tooth disease, a nuerological disorder in which the myelin sheath, which acts around the nerve as insulation would act around a wire, was not developed. The result of this condition was that nerve impulses travel more slowly to the peripheral nervous system, causing the body to confiscate for inadequately delivered nerve signals. This confiscation results in deformities of the hands and feet, which explained why my feet were turning.

When I was ten years old, doctors performed tendon transfers on my feet and placed me in plastic braces to correct my walking. For a time, this surgery was successful, but then my feet began to turn once more, and my big toes began to pull up as I walked forward. While God had answered our prayers for healing repeatedly in the past, this time He seemed to have another plan in mind. I went in for another surgery when I was twelve years old, and this time the doctor fused bones in my feet, and corrected my toe. I was tired of leg braces that did not seem to hold the results of the surgery from when I was younger in place as they should have, so I made the decision to trade the braces in for good pairs of shoes with supports for my feet. I have had no more surgery on my feet to date, and no progression has appeared. While the neuromuscular disease causes me to tire more quickly in my hands and feet, I have been able to learn to play flute and marched in both middle school and highschool band in competions. I entered a community college on a music scholarship and began a track for music education. Throughout all the trials, God’s hand was always there, and He always lead me through the obstacles.

My sophmore year in college, I was convicted that I wanted to do something more with what the Lord had given me than just teach students to play instruments. I looked into the Music Therapy after it was suggested to me by others, and fell in love with the program at Florida State University. The only thing I wanted to do with my life was bring music—the music that had encouraged me to continue on and push throughout my life—to others who had special needs. I felt that God had allowed me to succeed in playing flute and being admitted to Florida State so that I could do just that, so that I could somehow show little ones with special needs the love and comfort of God by reaching out to them and teaching them through song.

However, when I graduated with my Music therapy degree, I still could not find my place. I knew I wanted to do music therapy and teach children with special needs, but no jobs seemed to be available for music therapists in Jacksonville. I was wondering if perhaps there was more that I still had to do and find out. I was wondering if my calling was not simply music therapy but also special education.

So now I find myself at University of North Florida pursing my Masters in Special Education. I’m on a long road still, but I am certain of one thing. God lead me through so many trials throughout my life, either by healing me or by allowing me to cope with my challenges, for a reason. My heart would not have the desire to work with special little ones today as much were it not for what I have faced myself. God has used the trials in my life to help me reach out to others, and I know as I continue to seek His will He will continue to use all my trials and experiences to touch others for Him.

Only recently have I had the blessing of working with one of my daycare students who has suffered from encephalitis. Working with her through music therapy and special edcation has reminded me of just how awesome my God is. He has lead her through much of her disability already, and He has lead me, through working with her, to be convicted that working with children with profound physical and mental handicaps is part of the reason I have had disabilities of my own.

Although the statement may seem unusual, my disabilities have truly been a blessing rather than anything else. They have allowed me to know the Hand of God and to see Him working in my life, and they have motivated me to help others who have similiar conditions. I pray that, as I continue to seek the Lord’s will, that He can continue receive glory in my weakness. Without Him, I could have acheived none of this; the glory is His and His alone.

Isaiah 40:31 Those who wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not grow weary; they shall walk and not grow faint.

In this Silence

Man, what a quiet night here. I've done a bit of IMing, but other than that, not too much other than some flute playing. And i felt inspired to write a poem, so I wrote the following lyrics. And yes, I set them to a tune on my guitar. I'm certain I'm not a prodigy, but this expresses my current feelings well.

In This Silence
C.M.H. 11/21/05

Sometimes I wonder if anyone knows I’m here
If anyone knows I feel alone
If anyone even cares
I know there are the faithful few
The ones who are so far away
The ones that really give a damn

But what should I do in this silence?
How do I make it stop?
Where are those that could care for me?
Or am I simply lost?

Sometimes I wonder if it is my fault
If I should step out more
If I am solely responsible
I know that there is more I could do
That I don’t often reach out
That I shut myself in

But what should I do in this silence?
How do I make it stop?
where are those that could care for me?
Or am I simply lost?

Does anyone care?
Does anyone know?
Does anyone see?
Or is it simply me?
Does anyone try?
Is anyone there?
Do they even know
I’m all alone out there?

At times I long to blame someone
To blame myself for this solitude
To blame the passersby
I know that the blame cannot be placed
That it is somehow part of me
And somehow part of all of them

So what should we do in this silence?
How do we make it stop?
We should reach out to those who could care for us
Before they are simply lost

But what should I do in this silence?
How do I make it stop?
I know that somewhere out there must be those who could care for me
If I can dare to take the risk to keep them from being lost

Three Variable Funny Test

Just for kicks.

the Prankster (33% dark, 30% spontaneous, 21% vulgar)

your humor style: CLEAN | COMPLEX | LIGHT Your humor has an intellectual, even conceptual slant to it. You're not pretentious, but you're not into what some would call 'low humor' either. You'll laugh at a good dirty joke, but you definitely prefer something clever to something moist. You probably like well-thought-out pranks and/or spoofs and it's highly likely you've tried one of these things yourself. In a lot of ways, yours is the most entertaining type of humor because it's smart without being mean-spirited. PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Conan O'Brian - Ashton Kutcher The 3-Variable Funny Test! - it rules - If you're interested, try my latest: The Terrorism Test

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 8% on darkness You scored higher than 12% on spontaneity You scored higher than 12% on vulgarity

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Nothing to fear...

I'll admit it; I'm pretty much a social reject, and fairly antisocial. But that doesn't mean I don't feel alone. Heck, I feel alone everyday at somepoint, and I don't like it. It wasn't always this way; when I was in school I hung out some with my fellow music therapy friends, with my roomates, and so on. I wasn't ALWAYS doing something...

..but I wasn't feeling like a social washout either. Now, on the other hand...

...I don't go out with anyone. I don't do much of anything. There are few singles my age. I don't go partying. I don't drink. I'm a Star Wars fan and I roleplay.

I will also admit I don't trust people. I'm painfully shy IRL, and I don't think this is going to change anytime soon. Granted, I try to smile, be pleasant, etc., but I don't carry on lengthy conversations with people I don't know. Frequently, if someone is going to get to know me, they are going to have to take the initiative to do so themselves lately.

And lately, no one has done this. Not that I've been in any sort of social circles; other than school at night and work in the day, I don't go much of anywhere. I'm going to buy a telescope soon, and might join an Astronomy club, but quite honestly, I'm not sure if those are the people I want to trust either. Like I said, I'm single and I'm female and going somewhere alone at night (in order to use the scope) with people I've never met frankly freaks me out.

So what is the solution? For once it'd be really nice to receive more than one reply to this, I need feedback. And no, I don't need spam, so screw you all you spammers out there. YOU people have no life either, I don't think.

The Rose

I've been looking for a song all night that "fits" how I feel. I guess it's part of the music therapist in me, always trying to either match my mood in song or get the mood that I want delivered to me through a song. Tonight, after much searching and listening, this one sorta slammed into me. Something about the words gave me the message that there is still hope...

...while at the same time told me I perhaps need to step out of my box and, as the song says, learn to dance and live. But that is so much easier said than actually done. I honestly don't know if I ever will, and I'm so afraid of having a soul that is dying, just like the song says.

This is also, incidentally, one of my favorite songs to play and sing on guitar. And with Kate and her piano when I'm in M-town.

The Rose
Bette Midler

Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love, it is a hunger,
An endless aching need
I say love, it is a flower,
And you its only seed

It's the heart, afraid of breaking,
That never learns to dance
It's the dream, afraid of waking,
That never takes a chance
It's the one who won't be taken,
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul, afraid of dyin',
That never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely,
And the road has been too long
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed, that with the sun's love,
In the spring becomes the rose

The Rainbow Connection

Ok, so maybe I'm feeling a little nostalgic tonight. And maybe I'm feeling a little thoughtful and a little profound as well. I'm missing Dad, who is still working in New Orleans; I'm wishing to use my music and my teaching to work with the kids that have profound handicaps; I'm wanting to feel like I have a real place and time in life again. So here are some lyrics...

...and feel free to laugh at them if you like, since this IS supposed to be a kid's song. But heck, the words in this song mean a whole lot more to me than your typical children's song. But then, maybe this is because I've been working with kids too long...

ARTIST: Paul Williams and Kenneth Ascher
TITLE: The Rainbow Connection

[Muppet Movie]

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side
Rainbows are visions but only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we've been told and some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see

{Refrain}
Someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

Who said that ev'ry wish would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star
Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it
Look what it's done so far
What's so amazing that keeps us star-gazing
And what do we think we might see

{Refrain}

All of us under its spell
We know that it's probably magic

Have you been half-asleep and have you heard voices
I've heard them calling my name
Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors
The voice might be one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
It's something that I'm s'posed to be

{Refrain}

La da da dee da da do
La da da da da dee da do

Ahhh, School Work

So, just because I know you all wonder what the heck it is i'm doing when I'm whining about papers, I figured I'd let you have the privelege of reading one. Yes, really. Students with profound disabilities is a passion of mine--I find that the avenues that SHOULD provide them hope are often unreliable, unrealistic...

...or simply not there. So my interest extends beyond what is. Someday I want to really get in to the field, and create some hope. I mean, who the hell decided that because you are profoundly hadicapped, whether mentally, physically, or both, that you just want to sit around all day and do nothing? Who decided that profound handicap impairs you from wanting any choice? From even realizing you CAN have choice? I've worked enough with persons with profound handicaps to know that they are HIGHLY underestimated.

And that more programs need to be provided for them to give them options for the future.

Thus the reason for this paper.