Random Tidbits of Information

First off, this has been a very strange day. I started out the morning at my yearly (ahhh..."yearly" as in "I try to get there in a year, but usually it's every two...) Muscular Dystrophy Association check-up. And for those who are reading and wondering, NO I DO NOT HAVE MD. Heck, I don't even have Charcot Marie Tooth Disease, which is what I am classified under. Anyway, I got the usual intern that came in with the doctor (cause hey, my situation is interesting since nobody seems to be able to explain it.) The doc even said, "We call this the Carrie H***** Syndrome." I dunno if that's a compliment or not. But everything seemed to be doing ok (except the fact I see a marked difference in my left side versus my right, which I didn't think was originally so obvious). But that is that.

ON to other things that happened...nothing special at work, nothing special in the afternoon...

...but then I went to choir practice (which happens rarely with all the school work) then mom and I got in a major blow out of an argument. I love her to death, but I hate that she still thinks of me/treats me like a kid with no real opinion (i.e. mine is right, so you are wrong and I don't want to hear it). Granted, I'll admit I was wrong, my tone was inappropriate. But what I had to say...

...still had value. And I don't know if I ever got credit for that or not. Sometimes I think Mom has difficulty seeing me as an adult because 1.) I still live here, 2.)I'm small, 3.) I usually am very compliant and agreeable, and 4.) I have this mild disability. Not that I think she underestimates what I am capable of at all; I know she is well aware of what I can do and believes in that. But on the same note, I think she still wants to protect. And she's having to let go of that.

And speaking of my abilities...

...FYI, still job searching. Still no finds. But, on an interesting note, I am in class with teachers from Duval County all the time. I'm not so sure, after some of the things I've heard, that I WANT to teach in this school district after all. Gotta finish the application up for St. John's County and continue to look for private schools with certified teachers.

And I'm also considering, after working with Destiny, the possibility of doing hospital homebound instruction. I hear it's better money, and I know I love working one to one with students. So, who knows, maybe doors will open up. We will see.

Some thoughts, a Destiny report, and a Poem

First off, I don't know where the heck everyone is...

...but no one is here for me to talk to/rant to/whatever. So here I am, blogging twice in one week (everyone, stop gasping already!) Anyway, I'm feeling somewhat blue today...or at least, I'm feeling blue right now. It's been a day of many emotions after going to work with Destiny today. She's still progressing, I see a little something new from her every time. Today was a session of total spunk and personality from her...she pushed my hand away when I was trying to "assist" her in strumming the guitar. The message was clear: I WANT TO DO IT MYSELF. So I let her. Took a while, but she most certainly DID strum on her own. She needs that fight from within her so badly right now; she's gaining more gross motor control in both her arms and legs. So, things are happening. Her mother has also been convinced to enroll her in a physically impaired program at a highly recognized public school; I think this is good because she will get academics as well as "free" therapy services.

But hey, here's the kicker in all of this. The school and classroom she will be in, should mom get her into this program...

...is one of the ones I interviewed for at the teaching fair, and is one I wanted BADLY. A K-3 physically challenged class. So....GRRRRRR!! But on a different wave of thinking that is not so negative, I'm going to try to confer with the person I know who works at this school, who recommended it to Destiny's mom...

...and has previously also advised me on my job seeking. Heck, this person recommended me as a teacher at this same school. Small world, jeez. And to top this all off, when Destiny's mom goes to talk to the principal/whoever about getting her daughter into their program...

...she's going to mention that I've been working with/doing music therapy with her child extensively. I wonder if the principal will recognize my name, she has my resume and recognized my name at the stupid teaching fair even.

So who knows what may come of this. I can only pray that SOMETHING will. I trust, however, that should nothing else come from it, Destiny will get the beginnings of a good education along with more therapy, which she needs.

And she will continue to get music therapy, I'm sure. And I wonder from WHO. This kid has so much potential, and I still believe she can come even further out of this. I just have this gut feeling.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for the day for all of you out there reading. I'm going to leave you with this poem, my latest:

Your spunk amazes me
Your potential is lurking inside of you
Waiting to be unlocked
Should anyone be bold enough to take the time
And realize just what an amazing little person
Is hiding inside of you

The difficulties you are facing
Are merely a stop on life’s journey
Though you may never be quite the same due to them
The Lord is working through you in so many ways
I can’t even name them all

Don’t ever quit, my little friend
Don’t you ever dare give up
I know the wonderful work God started in you
Has merely just begun

You have gone miles further than some dared to even believe
The Lord’s timing has laughed in the face of medical science
Has quieted the naysayers
Who stand so idly by as you again grow

So hold your head high, and keep your eyes on the Lord
He continues to guide you in this
And He will never cease to do so

I believe in you, my friend
As do many others who pray for you daily, my young friend
Your destiny, my dear Destiny...

Has only just begun.

Life in the Fast Lane

Not that anyone is reading after my long no-post period, but yeah, I am, once again, still alive. I just started school again Monday, so things have been hectic. I'll get back to regular posting ASAP...

...or at least, I will try. Just a short "yeah, I'm here" and a little Destiny update as well. Last week when I visited her and did music therapy, she identified letters for me, was able to point to "yes/no" cards to indicate she remembered a song or not, was able to move a ladybug to the "Ladybug song" in recollection of what to do (i.e. "ladybug lands on my wrist") and was able to recall the next step (then "ladybud lands on my elbow"). I heard her REALLY laugh with her voice (thanks to mom and a Garfield stuffed toy) which was priceless.

So she's still progressing, albeit a little slower than we'd like, and most definitely than SHE would like. I won't take any of it for granted and I know her parents won't either! A final note...all of her motor region was destroyed by the fluid on her brain, so she will have to relearn all of her moments, gross and fine. She is pretty much as mobile as a child...

...and is therefore not speaking because she hasn't figured out how to move her tongue. Hopefully she will then begin to babble and get it going again, cause I know the words are in there as indicated by what she is able to recognize.

So that's the latest. I hope SOMEONE out there is still reading...

The Discovery, Incident Reports, and More

First off, I would like to say (belatedly) that I am very glad to the Discovery shuttle made it home safely. Although the trip had rocky points, it seems NASA feels they had success overall. Now it seems they need to get a grip on their problems with tiles. The risk factors involved in those things seem to warrant finding a new substitute for them; or perhaps better adhesive for keeping them in place.

And, on that note, I'd like to ask a simple question...what do you all think about the space program? Risks considered, should people be sent into space for scientific/exploratory reasons, or is it just too dangerous? I'm of the "it's worth it" group, while my Mom thinks it's much too risky and doesn't really help us all that much. So we butt heads about it alot. What do you all think?

In other news (let's start with the bad), I spent tonight writing up a note about incidents I've had with a mother of one of my former students; she has been reported for neglect, and it's really been a long time coming. I hate being involved, cause I had some nasty details to write about...

...but if it'll get her kids taken care of properly, it's worth it. They deserve better.

And finally...I'm working on picking a bead for something I'm working on with Kate and the gang. I know what color, and I think I know what...

...but I still want to go to the local bead store here to see if I can avoid shipping and handling. That, along with the fact I simply cannot figure out how many beads are on a 16mm strand. (they are 4mm each, so I dunno if this means there are only 4?!?) You wise bead people out there might be able to assist me in this...

Two Year Olds are Fuuuun!

No the title is not sarcasm. Seriously. On popular demand (see comments from the last post) I've decided to ramble at you all about the first day with the new kids. My assistant had the day off, which I found obnoxious. I mean, how am I supposed to have someone available to teach the kids the rules if my assistant (a sub) doesn't even know my rules?! I'm going to kill the girl who usually helps me tomorrow. :)

Anyway, I already know a few things about these kids. One, alot of them are wearing diapers because it's simply easier for mom. They know what they are doing...one even came and asked to GO to the bathroom after she discovered Ms. Carrie has skittles for doing such things (bribary goes a loooong way). Secondly, as I have always vouched for, kids act NOTHING like they do with their parents when they are with me (or many other teachers for that matter). Little Joe (names changed to protect the innocent) came in my room with his mother last week, and acted like a total brat. He didn't listen to a thing she told him to do, and he screamed because he didn't want to leave. He told her "no" alot.

He tried the "no" thing with me once. I quite politely informed him, at eye level, that this would not work, that he needed to listen. He gave me a look over, thought about it...

...and wasn't a problem after that point. Sure, he'll try it again. Will it work then? No.

Finally, I have discovered that having a class with a ton of girls (the new class) versus a ton of boys (old class) is quite a switch. Boys are more rough and tumble, for the most part, which can become a problem. But GIRLS CAN BE REALLY BOSSY.

Just once I'd like a balanced class.

Oh, and on a final and unrelated note, I'd like to say that Destiny's speech therapist is now saying she recalls all her letters and numbers. I was pretty sure of this already two weeks ago...

...but it sure is nice to hear someone else say the same thing. Expect a report on her tomorrow, cause tomorrow is her music therapy day. I'm going to take her name in and a few other words she should know and see if she can ID them for me.

I believe she'll succeed. I believe she's already conquered insurmontable odds. I pray and believe she will continue to do so.

I gripe and complain alot in this blog, but with all this in mind, I'd like to take a moment out of my usual whining and thusforth to simply say that GOD IS GOOD.

I think now is a good time to repeat this poem, as something more than just a reflecton of my feelings, but as a continued prayer as well:

Destiny, can you hear me?
Can you sing for me tonight?
Please tell me dear, sweet precious one
You are going to be allright.
God made you to be a butterfly
And to spread your wings and fly
Please open your eyes and hold my hand
And togther we'll touch the sky

Destiny, can you hear me?
Can you dance for me and play?
Please show me your brillant shining eyes
and smile for me today.
God brought you here and you've touched my heart
And He simply can't be through
In completing the beautiful, wonderful work
He started when he made you.

Destiny, can you hear me?
Can you sing with me tonight?
I brought my guitar and prayers and my love
And I have to believe He will make it all right.

God be with this little one today I pray
And hold her in your arms of love and care
Look, my dear Destiny, and tonight...

...I know the Lord will lead you back here.

The First Day of a New School Year

In one more day it approaches, yet another year of school. I will get my first group of children that I lead teach over...

...and in not the area or the place that I had hoped. This is not how it is all supposed to be happening, I keep telling myself. And I keep beating myself up, wondering if I made a mistake when I didn't just take the offer to work at Lighthouse, teaching license or no. But I just don't think I could have done it that way. Just as I don't know just how much longer I can continue in the path I now find myself. Once more I see no light at the end of my tunnel, and I sure as heck don't understand what it is I'm supposed to be learning here or getting here. If it's patience, dear God I think I've had enough working with that. I've been working at the preschool over two years, and have been actively seeking teaching employment for the second school year now.

When does this end? Was it supposed to have already ended, and I missed the window because of my pride in wanting my license?

What gives, and how am I supposed to know where to go from here? I keep on keeping on, and sometimes I feel like I'm doing it alone. I'm trying to keep my head up, and keep my thoughts hopeful. I'm trying to keep it in prayer, and stay positive.

This is all getting harder and harder. And on top of all of this, I have no one to vent any of this to here in FL except my parents, who sometimes are wonderful for this and sometimes aren't. I need an outlet, and I'm struggling to find one.

I'm struggling to find myself and what I'm supposed to be doing with what I've got. Every time I go to the hospital and work with Destiny, I think--heck, sometimes I KNOW that I've found it. But then, if I've found it, then what am I supposed to do with it without the proper job.

I'm frustrated. I'm thankful for what I have been given, but I'm utterly frustrated in that I believe there is still something more out there.

Maybe my hope is based on something false and unreal, but I really can't believe that. I refuse.

Sorry for rambling tonight, but seeing as I don't have anyone to ramble at on AIM tonight, I figured I'd do it here instead.