Something Totally Different (hey, A TOP TEN list!!!)

Just because I spend a large majority of my time on this blog griping (when I'm not talking about little Destiny, who I should mention is now laughing and finding her vocal sounds by doing so), I thought I'd switch gears a little bit for today and just list the top ten most wonderful things I have here. I think it'll be a good way to get me unfocused on some of the crap in my life I'm not so happy with right now. So here goes:

Top Ten Things I Feel God Has Blessed me With, in no particular order:

A small few but very wonderful friends (I hope you know exactly who you are)

A good job where I feel I can really impact lives

An opportunity to use music to impact lives both at work and in other venues

Good overall health

A good family, and particularly loving and concerned parents

A determination to stick to the course concerning what it is I feel I should ultimately be doing, despite the odds which seem to be against me

My relationship with Christ

That job that is out there for me somewhere, waiting...the one that is just right for me

That significant other that is out there somewhere, waiting, who is just right for me and vise versa

For all the extra "things" I have, that I don't necessarily need to have, but have regardless.

P.S. I know the two "claim it" ones (job in the future and sig. other) may seem a little strange, but I'm in the "believe it" mode at the moment. Ask me again tomorrow, and I may not feel the same, so refer me back here and remind me that "hey, you just never know, whether you sometimes believe it or not).

P.P.S. I encourage others to make Blessings lists of their own. Don't know if this will happen, but I think it's worth it.

There's Magic in the Music

You probably already guessed it, but I went to visit Destiny tonight. I'm very thankful to say she is very much improved compared to how she was the last time I saw her. Though she responded some before, she was still sorta vacant...probably still somewhat doped up from sedation meds and still dealing with fluid on her brain.

She was not at all vacant today. While she still has miles to go in terms of recovery, she's also come miles from where she was. She's responding to some cues, getting frustrated because she's wanting to respond to some things but doesn't have alot of control of her arms (or anything else for that matter) right now. She's not very verbal yet, so I didn't get any singing or noise-making tonight. Just grins galore, which made me feel worlds better in terms of her alertness and possibly even recongition. I'm still using songs she knows, trying to trigger those memories. I've also added a whole box of tricks...frog puppets and Pooh puppets and Speckled frogs on a log and shakers and so on. I'm not sure if the academic memory is there, it's difficult to say just yet. But I know she knows at least the Butterfly Song (which is the link in the title, click if you'd like to hear a snippet) because her mom was out of the room when we sang it, and when she got back she asked Destiny if she missed the Butterfly Song. That got an immediate nod of the head yes.

So there's memory there. And I *have* to get this kid a tambourine or a drum set. Apparently she has been collecting musical instruments the past two years. I wonder who might have influenced her to want things like that ;) :).

Anyway, I'm feeling very hopeful and very positive. Keep praying guys. And I'll leave you with these lyrics from said Butterfly song:

If I were a butterfly
I'd thank you Lord for givin' me wings
And if I were a robin in a tree
I'd thank you Lord that I could sing
And if I were a fish in the sea
I'd wiggle my tail and I'd giggle with glee
But I just thank you Father for making me
Me

For you gave me a heart
And you gave me a smile
You gave me Jesus
And you made me Your child
And I just thank you Father for making me
Me

Stupid Minor Things`

Some of those extremely stupid and trival things I spoke about somewhere in my last post have already cropped up. It hasn't been a bad day overall; went to the Alhambra Dinner Theatre to see Roger's and Hammerstein's Cinderella with my Mom and some extended family members, which took up the majority of the late morning/early afternoon. Then I finished up some classwork for my final week of summer school. Talked to Kate for a while online.

But after that...played a game called Flux on my PC. And that was the extent of the profound things I did. You can pretty much say my little black cloud formed and has been here pretty much all evening, and at the moment no one is around to distract me from it. Considering everything that I've been posting about, I think this feeling is pretty minor...

...but then why does it keep persisting? I hate being alone, and that's the root of my problem. Sure, I like my space. Sure, I love my family to death. But what is it I do for myself? That's right. I play computer, play guitar and flute, go to school...

...and wish I was in Memphis, Tennessee with friends and with some significant other who loves me for me. I DON'T THINK THIS IS TOO MUCH TO ASK, DOES ANYONE ELSE?!? Sometimes I feel like I've missed something regarding finding a significant other, like I'm not doing enough to even find anyone, etc. etc. Heck, I'm not doing anything anymore really. I figure I'd rather be alone than deal with the rejection that's inevitable.

So what the hell is the solution to how I'm feeling? How in the world can I get used to this loneliness?

Love Song For No One
by John Mayer

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me

P.S. Thanks to Kate for sending me this song. The lyrics pretty much hit the nail on the head today.

Searching for Destiny

My heart is more than just a little bit heavy today, and not for simple matters such as not getting the job I want or not living where I want to. Suddenly, all those issues are seeming entirely small. Granted, they'll grow in porportion (or at least, they will seem to do in my little brain) eventually...

...but these things are far from my mind now.

I just learned yesterday that Destiny has some brain damage confirmed by an MRI. She has been shaking uncontrollably (her head and hands apparently) and has not spoken. Granted, I thank God she didn't die...but have we lost Destiny after all this fighting anyway? God, I hope not. And I know if I'm feeling this way, Mom and Dad are having a very difficult time. So pray for them guys. And pray for Destiny. She will be moved to Brook's Rehab today. They will be able to analyze the extent of the damage and help her recover normal functioning as much as possible. I'm personally working on getting the kid as much music therapy as possible, and hopefully from myself. I had her in my class two years; I know her likes and dislikes and the familar songs. And I'm very willing to charge next to nothing (heck, possibly NOTHING) if it will help us find Destiny again. (apparently she got a whopping TWO music therapy sessions at the hospital, sheesh. This kid LOVES music, what is wrong with these people...???)

I'm not ready to believe we've lost her completely. She was too bright and too intelligent and had to much of a future to have it all end here. I refuse to believe it.

Please, just put me out of my misery...

If something sounds too good to be true, it must always be. Apparently I was going to be allowed to teach WITHOUT a valid teaching license at Lighthouse. I'm told they "follow the rules for certification as closely as possible" and "teaching without a license for a couple of years with them MIGHT make me certifiable." IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE TO ANYONE ELSE?!? Call me an educational snob. I just can't legitimately see myself teaching without even a temporary. (in order to get my temporary, the school apparently needs something called a "Teacher demonstration program." Private schools are not required to have one,although they CAN get one. This school apparently has opted to NOT have one.)

*sighs* I can't take anymore of this. I don't see any hope for me in the future, if this is the only success I'm ever going to have.

Just when you think you have an ace in the hole...

...what you really have is a sham.

I'm glad to take opinions, and would actually greatly appreciate them. What do you think of all this? I have until tomorrow to decide for certain...

...though I'm 99.9 percent sure of what I'm going to do...

Have I Spoken too Soon?

Paranoia has set in. I have a job...and now I'm freaking because I don't trust these people enough yet to know that they have to take some steps in order for my Temporary Teaching certificate to go through. I need, really need, something that is for real...and something that will help me get my permanant license. If something blows up with this, not only will I be back to square one...

...but I just might be in the world of unemployment because I've already basically turned in my resignation at Isle of Faith. I haven't given the written resignation, but she knows I'm going. So dear God, I hope something doesn't fall through. In all logical-ness, it shouldn't...I told these guys up front I was "elible for temporary teaching certification." I even think their advertisement might have said they want someone to teach who was "certified" or "certifiable". That latter category is me. I probably shouldn't be worried.

So WHY AM I??? I hate uncertainty, especially when I'm this close to being set on course to where I want to be. Maybe that's just it...I don't believe it yet. That's probably a bad thing, I should probably be having faith that it will all work out just fine. But I'm human, after all, and after fighting for this for so long it's hard to believe it even still...

Somebody Pinch Me, Please

Now, first off, you all get your mind out of the gutter regarding the title of this post. (this must mean my mind is in the gutter too, since I thought about what is in some of your pea brains right now :) ). I'm going to make this short, because I'm really tired. But said job I posted about interviewing for yesterday...

...well, it has happened. Someone was insane enough (desperate enough?!?) to actuaolly HIRE me. I start August 1st. The pros are that this will help me get my permanant teaching certification, and it's a small class (8 children, max 10!). Also this will be first and second graders, which is along the lines of my perferred ages (no older than 3rd unless significantly handicapped). The school is close to home, the director/principal seemed very nice, etc., etc.

Cons are that these kids are either ADHD (attention deficit/hyperactivity) and some emotionally handicapped (apparently not SEVERELY emotionally handicapped, thank goodness). While I'd prefer profoundly handicapped kids, I'm certain I can do this. Especially since the class size is so nice and small. I'm betting I will have mostly, if not all, boys. The other cons include the fact that the pay is not much better than what I'm getting now since it's a private institution...

...but I have the summers off now, baby!!! That means I can work on the summers to get a little extra $$$ and I can go to school more during the summers and get done with the master's quicker. It also means vacation on MY time during the summer (longer trip to Tennessee possibly, ladies and gentlemen. Be prepared to put up with me). And in two years, if I can hang through this, which I don't see why NOT, I'll be eligible for a permanant teaching license.

I still cannot believe this is actually happening. I'm so excited and totally overwhelmed (yearly curriculum to get done in like ummm...3 weeks?!?!?!?!?!)

But FINALLY, I'm on the road to where I'd like to be going, I think. Dreading giving my resignation tomorrow, though. It's not like I DON'T like where I'm working. However, since the Director at Lighthouse called some of my references, I'm almost *positive* the Director at my current place of employment knows this might be coming down. We shall see.

Hugs galore to all of you out there who have been thinking and praying for me (and listening to me whine). Just wait til I start getting ready for my first year of teaching... :) :P ;)

SGG aka CMH

Oblah-dee, Oblah-dah, Life Goes On...

Well, first things first. Here we go again, another interview on Thursday, at 4. So think of me/pray for me then. This time the position is a primary/elementary one at Lighthouse Christian School. It's not the greatest money-wise, and I'm not sure about benefits. But at least if by some miracle I got this job I think I could 1. Live with it the couple of years it will take to make my teaching license permanant. 2.Hang out and get some experience, something which apparently I need.

So here I go again. We will see what this profits, if anything.

And on a couple of totally unrelated notes, my little friend Destiny is progressing very slowly. She is at the ability level of an infant; cries, smiles, can't sit up. This is my little girl that tied her shoes first, wrote everyone else's name before she wrote her own (because it was long) and so on. Now she doesn't even speak. Along with this she has developed something that sounds alot like a seizure...jerking her head to one side involuntarily. I'm very worried about her. I'm hoping her memories are in that head of hers, but she just hasn't figured out how to access them. The other possibility is that they've simply been destroyed by the swelling and fluid on the brain.

I honestly have been having problems not taking some of the responsibility for this kid's condition. She got the herpes virus (which lead to the encephalitis) from putting her finger in a mouth with open sores in it. She had the open sores due to the fact her teeth have not been taken care of and are rotting. On one occassion in particular, her mouth was hurting so badly I had to break a granola bar up for her. I went to the director. I honestly thought that the issue should have been reported to Child Services. This IS neglect. If I had done my job and reported it myself, maybe this baby wouldn't be going through what she is now...

Another thing, on a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NOTE, I am 26-years old, 4 foot 11 inches tall, and there are a few gray hairs in my head. Mom had the nerve to announce she saw them while we were standing in the parking lot of the resturaunt we went to eat at tonight.

So, THANKS MOM, FOR ANNOUNCING TO EVERYONE IN THE PARKING LOT I HAVE GRAY HAIRS. :) I swear, if I get gray soon I am going to get my hair color out of a bottle...

Dennis, Don't Rain on My Parade

Ok, so don't you all know that it rains every weekend in Jacksonville, FL? Well now, thanks to Dennis, another weekend promises a ton of rain. We haven't see it yet, and we haven't seen anything resembling Dennis's fury. But, after considering Hurricane Season 2004, that really doesn't mean it's not coming, or that the path couldn't change. I think we're in for a hell of a Hurricane season, and I'm not looking forward to it. The only bonus is that there may be some school closings in the picture, and currently I get paid for those :). So, provided there's power at the house, school closings don't bother me. I'll just stay a shut-in, and hope my internet works.

If I suddenly disappear from online, however, and you all want to know if I've been blown away...give my cell a ring. Provided that hasn't floated away in my car due to torrental downpours, you should be able to contact me...

Living in FL is so wonderful...

Trying to Break Free of the Shell

So, I actually went out somewhere tonight, for once in a long time excepting last week's wonderful (although rainy) visit by Kate, and those I affectionately refer to as "the gang." I actually went to a Bible study at church.

Now I know what you are all thinking. "Oh NO, one of those bible-beating seminars!!!" Actually...not at all. We did talk about the attributes of Satan, and we did get into some hardcore theological stuff. BUT the thing I REALLY APPRECIATED was that the discussion also meandered to the wrong in people overemphasizing the "devil's work." (i.e. "that is of the devil, this is of the devil...HECK, EVERYTHING IS OF THE DEVIL!!!) Several of you and I have had this discussion ourselves...about people blowing everything out of porportion and twisting it so much into a religious issue that it turns those who may be seeking off.

This is so very important to me, in everything that I do and say. Cause the last thing I want to do is turn anyone of you guys off; I want you to be certain that I'm for real, that I'm going to tell you what I think...

...but that you also know that I love you dearly regardless of whether I agree with you or not. Granted, I might not always agree with everything you think or do. But that does not change that I care about all of you.

Am I making sense? Sounding too preachy? I hope I am on the former, and am not on the latter. I've just seen too many people grind "non-believers" into the ground. And I've seen too many people grind people who ARE believers into the ground for some stupid theological difference. It's no wonder people out there are not interested in going to church, with all of this going on and running amuck.

Now what I want to let you all know is that church people, like everyone else, are human...Christian or no. And as such, I am human AND a Christian. If you have something you don't agree with me on; if you see me doing something that might be troubling you, call me on it.

And I know, that was a long ramble on my Bible study, but the study really got me thinking (I know, I know, that's dangerous!). I'm striving very hard these last couple of days, considering how unhappy I've been here, to try to make the most of it while I wait school out. There simply has to be a reason for me being here, and i'm beginning to wonder if it even has anything to do with my education or my family. What if it's because God is trying to get me to think in a way that I might not have going to the church I was in Tennessee. Cause I'll tell you, while I loved that church very much, I'm not so sure they teach quite the same message of acceptance and outreach that the church I now attend does. It's something I will now always be convicted of, and will now always consider.

And now that I've rambled ENTIRELY too long, I will leave you to the lyrics to this song Kate burned for me; lyrics that have triggered me to start stepping out of my shell a little more. Who knows...maybe in stepping out of my shell I will find the job and the path that I have been and still long so dearly to find? I can only hope...

Excuses

Why no one will help me
I am too dumb I am too smart
They'll not understand me
I am lonely
They'll hate me
And there is not enough time
It's too hard to help me
And god wants me to work
No resting no lazy

These excuses how they served me so well
They've kept me safe
They've kept me stoic
They've kept me locked in my own cell

I'm too far from home
It takes far too much energy
And I cannot afford to
No one will ever see me

These excuses how they served me so well
They've kept me safe
They've kept me stoic
They've kept me locked inside my cell

These excuses how they're so familiar
They've kept me blocked
They've kept me small
They've kept me safe inside my shell

Bringing this into the light
Shakes their foundation
And it clears my side
Now my imagination
Is the only thing that limits
The bar that is raised to the heights

No one can have it all see
I have to they want me to
And I can't let them down
I'll never be happy

These excuses how they served me so well
They've kept me safe
They've kept me small
They've kept me locked inside my cell

These excuses how they're so familiar
They've kept me small
They've kept me stoic
They've kept me locked inside my cell

Feeling Small

There are probably a thousand things I'd like to say right now. But first off, I'm pretty sure everyone is tired of hearing it and wishing I'd get over everything already. And secondly, I'm really feeling my problems and issues are fairly insignificant in the grand spectrum of things...

...but dammit, that doesn't make them hurt any less. I'm tired of shaking my fist at the world and screaming that life's not fair. I'd like something to throw, something to hit, something to make this anger and depression just go away. I feel small and stupid for feeling this low about a stupid job and a place I'm living. I mean, what the hell? Neither is permanant. And with that, I'm pretty much out of things to say, at least for the moment.

And if this blog makes no sense, sorry...and sorry for being such a whiner about some really rather lame and mundane things...

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Well, aside from the fact I'm feeling very blue and very alone here in Jacksonville with the gang now departed and headed for Memphis (and I didn't even remember to get pictures, dammit), I got some extra wonderful news tonight. I'm not feeling to willing to discuss it, but just to briefly vent. Apparently my parents already knew this, but kept it from me all weekend cause friends were in town and they knew I'd be upset. Well, to make this all short, apparently the job I interviewed for at Starbucks on Thursday was filled...on Thursday after I was interviewed...by someone else, someone whose husband apparently works with my dad (thus the reason the rents knew this). I was told, on Thursday after the interview, that a decision would be made this Wednesday (or no later than that, at least). Another liar. And although I wasn't particularly sure that this was the job for me, it still hurts like hell.

This never ends. I hate my life. I'm frustrated beyond words to even express it.

Yet another *sap alert* post

Well, here it is, Sunday night already. Seems like Kate and co. just got in town. Oh wait...they did just get in town, stupid me! Well, they'll be headed back to Memphis tomorrow...and I'm dreading it already. As I drove home in the Saturn (which had a really nice, smelly beach towel sitting in the front seat waiting for me) I popped in the mix that Kate made me to go along with my Double Buzz tea and Zero Ohms CDs (you totally rock, girl), I found myself already in tears. Dear God, but I'm a mess. And when does this all end? When the hell do I get to blow this town and go home? Can I last 3 more years of grad school? Ben Folds got it damn right when the song says "It sucks to grow up," cause it's been nothing but sucking for the past 7 years. Or 8 years. Or however long this has all been. Too long is what I think.

So, anyway, guys, I hope Jacksonville wasn't too boring, rain and all. And I hope you come to visit me again sometime soon...and hopefully for a longer time and not while it is raining so much!

I love you all very much, and thanks for putting up with the crazy 26-hours-in-3-days drive. I appreciate you all for it more than you could ever know.

SGG, aka Carrie

Nothing to do in the wonderful city of Jacksonville, FL

Well, Kate and the gang got in (after a not-so-wonderful affair with Priceline, apparently. So it was like 4 before we actually got together. We went to the Seven Bridges resturant, waiting for it to stop raining. It did; we decided to go down to the Jacksonville Landing. Well, it first of all began to rain the second we got out of the car. To make things worse, I was apparently mistaken in believing that there might actually be something interesting to check out there. The most interesting thing there, apparently, is this. *sighs* It is now 10:30 pm, I've been home about an hour, and the gang is back at the hotel, getting coffee and such other things (like, sleeping so we can get up to go to the beach tomorrow before it rains, I hope).

I feel like a washout. Have I ever mentioned I *don't* like Jacksonville? Hopefully St. Augustine will prove to be more interesting tomorrow.