A Destiny update...and the 4th With Friends

First off, those of you who might have been keeping track of my updates on my little friend Destiny may be interested to know that she made her first profound response yesterday...she cried. Granted, I don't particularly WANT her crying, but I interpret it for its positive implications. First of all, she is responding to outside stimuli. Who knows,might be that her throat hurts...the breathing tube has only been out around a week, and she still has a feeding tube. Could also be that she is frustrated...and knowing this kid as I do, she very well may be. The doctors at the hospital want a little more progress (I'm assuming medically) for her then they are transferring her to Brooks Rehabilitation. So the progress is coming, but very slowly.

But, on an unrelated note, Kate, her hubby, and Jeremy will be in for a short n' sweet visit this weekend. YAY! We'll be hanging at the beach, possibly the Landing and other various and sundry places. Kate and I have already been plotting some details of the visit...the boys are in serious trouble, methinks!!! *evil laughter ensues*

Should be a very fun, very cool, andc WAY TOO SHORT weekend.

What Can You do in Jax?

First of all, I must give Kate some serious props for the cool new background for my blog. :) I love it, I'm stargazing in full-force now!

But secondly, since "the gang" is coming to visit here in Jacksonville this coming weekend, I figured I'd look and see what actually goes on in this place that I don't seem to like all that much. So I went googling. I realized that, like, WOW, there are things actually going on here...

...and a few places of possible interest to go "spelunking" at. First of all, I think a visit to Hanna Park would be really cool. Hey, this is a beach town, peeps, and this one is damn near close to home, about 5 minutes from my grandma's house.

I also went investigating what is going on at the Landing. To give the place credit, it is beautiful in the daytime or at night (particularly night because of the lights) and it has plenty of food (which, as we all know, is important to Carrie). But I went and just checked out some of the events and attractions. You all will be happy to know that you can bring your soundtracks so that you can take center stage for the Rising Stars open Mic event that apparently happens every Saturday afternoon. And since I *know* there are plenty of musicians among us, I'm certain at least ONE of you would just LOVE to do this. And NO, I will not be bringing my own soundtrack along. Don't want to scare the kids...or the adults! Finally, I also discovered that there will be a monthly Cruisin' In! car show. And the best is yet to come, folks! We'll have to check out Aerial Tribe and "Sugar Bear" and "Mr. Beam," all of whom are apparently performing at the landing sometime Saturday. I was able to find out a little something about Aerial Tribe's music, but I haven't a clue in Hades who "Mr. Beam" or "Sugarbear" are, and I think I'd prefer to stay uninformed.

So that's at least the beginnings of some things we *could* do. There's always the good ole Jacksonville Zoo. Unfortunately, I don't think they have a fountain, and there will be no drunk people in prom dresses there (and if you don't know what I'm talking about, DON'T ASK) so there will be no fun betting on who will fall in first. :)

So, Kate, Paul, Jeremy...and whoever else is reading this and might be coming to Jax (no, I'm not saying that to pick up any guys, lol) give me feedback. :)

You Will Never Make Me Believe...

...that music therapy doesn't work. I went to visit Destiny with the guitar again tonight, and she's still not verbal...

...but she was VERY attentive to the guitar, especially considering that she had been out for physical therapy along with some other not-so-fun things and was sleeping when I came in the room. Her eyes rarely left mine, and when they did, they looked to Dad, who was singing also. We sang the songs that all the kids know and that I know *she knows*, from my music therapy session "Hello Song" to "I'm in the Mood" and "If You're Happy and You Know it." We also sang The Butterfly Song, which the prekindergarteners sang for graduation.

Some really cool things happened as we did all this. Aside from the fact that she was wonderfully alert and attentive, there were some attempts to respond via movement, however small they were (she seems to have lost some of her gross motor control...I don't know the prognosis on this). I thought perhaps we were seeing some movement which was happening by chance, because it was mostly slight movement of the hand (I'm assuming to clap, since that's what the song was telling her to do at the time). But I finished with my "Time to Go" song from all our music therapy sessions at the school, one which we sing with sign language. I know she TOTALLY knows all the signs, and would usually be able to do it backwards and forwards. I asked her "Do you want to do (with the signs, not the words)'Time to Go?" And that's when it became obvious her hand movements were anything but random. Her hands were close enough together, and the movement was simple enough for her to point one finger towards her wrist. This is the sign for "Time."

And all this is totally not me, it's all about the music, kiddos. It's stored in a different area of the brain, and might be easier for her to access/recall at this time. I could TOTALLY sit for hours singing and playing for her. And if the opportunity came for me to do so...

...I'd totally do it. Keep praying for little Destiny. She is still slowly coming back to us. I told her I knew she was having a hard time, and having to do hard work...

...but I knew that she was a fighter, and could do it. So far I think she's pretty much beat the odds as it is...

...let's hope with the Lord's help she continues doing so.

Thanks for reading my ramblings, peeps.

Am I really doing this...again...?

I'm finding myself in a curious state of mind right now. I guess with Destiny coming out of her coma today, hope has sprung in my heart...

...hope for something. And yet I'm still not willing to trust it; still scared as all hell I'm gonna get blasted again sooner or later, and probably too soon for my liking. Yes, another one of those "I could so do that Job!" ads popped up in the classifieds today. At least, I *think* I could do the job, it wasn't too specific. Just a "Christian school seeking Special Education teachers K-12" ad, and a fax number. Heck, I don't even know where this place is...or if I'm REALLY even qualified.

And I've thought I was qualified before when I haven't been hired. Or even interviewed. Many times before. So why do I keep doing this? Why do I try, with doubt in my heart, time and time again, knowing my gut is telling me to just give up, that it will only end in another disappointment?

I guess hope is still there...and I really think it's coming from somewhere Higher Above...cause I know when I found out another job had been given away yesterday, I felt utterly defeated, ready to quit everything.

But there's always that side of me that thinks "Maybe this time. Just maybe..."

I wonder how much longer that side of me will last if I keep getting turn-down after turn-down like I have been for the past two years.

Sorry to beat a dead horse guys, but I needed to just vent. Thanks for listening...

...errr, reading.

Good News (no, you have NOT pulled up the wrong blog page...)

No, I haven't gotten a job. So don't even ask me this right now. But I figured I' d at least report this one in, since you all knew how upset I was about it. At about six this morning, Destiny opened her eyes. She was still by all appearances "comatose," but apparently Dad was playing Winnie the Pooh on the television and talking to her. He asked her where Winnie the Pooh was; she opened her eyes and pointed at him. Her breathing tube is out; I don't know if she has been verbal yet.

I will be visiting the hospital as "Carrie the Music Therapist" on Friday.

Haven't got anything further to report at this moment, just thought I'd let you all know what's going on.

My Destiny

Warning: Content will be of an extremely weepy nature.

Today I got to work and began doing art with my children in my classroom when a teacher I used to work with stops by. She says, "Have you heard about Destiny?"

You see, Destiny is this beautiful five year old I've had the privelege of teaching for nearly two years before I moved into lead teaching in April. She's bright, beautiful, sweet...and stubborn as all get-out. To my horror, I discovered that sometime late last week she was hospitalized with encephalitis, cause still unknown. She was admitted in a nearly comatose state and with a temperature of 106 degrees. They induced her the rest of the way into a coma...

...and that's where she is right now, although the fever is breaking with assistance from what her mother calls "the blower." I can't express how much it hurts to see this kid, tiny and fragile and just beginning her life, hooked up to a respirator and a feeding tube along with all this other junk. She's got a long road ahead of her...

...but thank God for her stubborness. I pray that she is stubborn enough to fight back and get back to life and to us as soon as possible. At this point, we're worried if she will be ready for kindergarten when she wakes up...

...and what effect the fluid on her brain will have had. Her "soft spots" still have not completely closed, which is a bonus...

...and they didn't have to drain any fluid. These are both to her benefit.

Just pray for my Destiny. By day she's been "one of my kids" while in my classroom.


Destiny, Can You Hear Me?

Destiny, can you hear me?
Can you sing for me tonight?
Please tell me dear, sweet precious one
You are going to be allright.
God made you to be a butterfly
And to spread your wings and fly
Please open your eyes and hold my hand
And togther we'll touch the sky

Destiny, can you hear me?
Can you dance for me and play?
Please show me your brillant shining eyes
and smile for me today.
God brought you here and you've touched my heart
And He simply can't be through
In completing the beautiful, wonderful work
He started when he made you.

Destiny, can you hear me?
Can you sing with me tonight?
I brought my guitar and prayers and my love
And I have to believe He will make it all right.

God be with this little one today I pray
And hold her in your arms of love and care
Look, my dear Destiny, and tonight...

...I know the Lord will lead you back here.

Guitar, folks

Ok, if you are a musician, you know what you go and do when you get down in the dumps. So tonight I pulled out my guitar, which hasn't been used for playing anything other than kid's songs in a long time. Too long, I need to get my fingers back under me. Ditto for my flute, but I can't SING and play that, which makes the guitar my first choice.

Anyway, I pulled her out tonight. I played, and played...and played. And now my fingers are so tired and sore I can't seem to type very good, so if I have typos please forgive me. But I found a song or two really helpful to curing my mood, so I thought I'd post them...and chords for those of you out there who are instrumentalists as well.

1.Everybody Hurts
2.The Rose
3.Time of Your Life (beware of pop-ups)

I play more, and I'll play even more when my fingers get working again. So bear with me, you might be hearing more about my guitar, which actually needs some work on it since it has a buzz. (probably from being knocked on the floor at preschool a few times...)

No Life, No Home, No Job...Plenty of Food...

Ok, so I can establish several things for your right away.

1. I scored so high on the 1500-point purity test that it's obvious that
A. I'm not interesting
B. Nobody is interested in me. (see above)
C. I need a life.

And while I'm perfectly happy scoring high on such things, being a Christian and all who places high value such life and love, makes me wonder if this is a bad thing to be THAT clean. I dunno.

so, obvious thing number

2. I have no home of my own. Heck, I still with mom and dad, and I'm 26. This is now almost solely because I can't afford anything on my own (and I don't want an annoying roomate, had enough of those in college). I'm so ready for this, and if I could swing it...I would. I love Mom and Dad ALOT, but I need my own space.

3. I have a job...and I actually enjoy it while I'm there. but if it paid like...alot more, that would help. Can't get a special education job...nobody wants me. Life sucks.

So what's the point? After stating all these things, I know that all I have to do is go to my grandmother's and she'll feed me. The rents are out of town...and she called twice about food issues, so I went to eat. I mean, what happens when I get my own place? Go to grandma's to eat? Heck, at least it'll be free... ;0)

More Thoughts on Life, Love...and the American dream (ok, maybe not the last one...)

It's early, and I'm already blogging. Must be the twilight zone or something. And really, sometimes I feel like I'm IN the twilight zone lately. Just wanted to post this poem/prayer of mine. Warning: Content may seem depressing, but it's more than that. I was always taught, or perhaps I just believe, in blunt honesty when I'm praying. No flowery language. I mean, God already knows how I'm feeling, so why try to say anything other than exactly that. So here it is. It came out poetic, but it also came out just as I feel it.


Dear Lord what should I do now that it has come to this?
Why is it this way?
When does this stop?
I need peace and a way; a way to deal with what I have, to love that which You have Given.
I am blessed; more than I realize
So why do I keep stargazing? What is in your plan? And will I ever get there?
Your ways are higher than mine, and though I may not ever fully understand
I need today to seek Your Hand.
I need Your peace Lord
Cause somewhere deep inside of me I know that it is time for a change from all this...
...so I will continue to stargaze.
So please, DearLord, lead me onto the right path.


Oh, and I also thought I'd post the lyrics to this song Kate gave me since they've really been helpful lately.

Lucky Me by Lisa Loeb

Lucky me
how bad could it be
to be alone for now
to be free

Oh, don’t cry
the time, it passes by
just think of what you’ll get when you’re past this

So is it allright if I go?
Is it allright if I go?

Oh, don’t cry
just think about the end
I’ll find my best friend
at last

Lucky me
I’m ready for a ride
I’ll jump off and take a drive
today
So is it allright if I go?
Is it allright if I go?
Is it allright if I go?

Oh, don’t cry
it’s time to say goodbye.

So is it allright if I go?
Is it allright if I go?

Thank God for You All...and some song lyrics

I'm going to make this one short and to the point. I've been a regular walking thundercloud of gloom and doom since I don't know when, and all you guys have been wondeful in putting up with me. You may or may not know I'm a Three Doors Down fan, and I'm finding these lyrics rather helpful me to me at this point in time, so I figured I'd post them in case you find them helpful as well. I think possibly someone might; these guys tend to have some pretty profound lyrics.

This Time

Unsure of yourself
You stand divided now
Which road will lead you there
Last time you fell and you hit hard
Your wounds have healed by now
But you still see your scars yeah

But it’s not the way it use to be right now
You've come so far to just let this go my friend , don't go out
The same way you did the last time
You’ll break when you fall
Don’t make the same mistakes you did all over
You’ve got to believe in yourself this time

Live on, live it up today
This life’s your cup
So drink it up I say, yeah
Say it’s mine so give it all up to me now
And walk that line, don’t let this go my friend, don’t go out the

Same way you did the last time
You'll break when you fall
Don’t make the same mistakes you did all over
You’ve got to believe in yourself this time

Life’s your cup, life’s your cup
Drink it up
Life’s your cup, life’s your cup

The same way you did the last time
You’ll break when you fall
Don’t make the same mistakes you did all over
You've got to believe in yourself this time

And by the way, if I haven't mentioned it lately, I love you all.

Some Thoughts and Confessions

First of all, I'd like to say thanks to all you guys who gave me well birthday wishes. Considering Bellsouth ate Kate's birthday card and people at work seemed to forget I *had* a birthday, it was really nice that you all DID remember. I love you all very much.

And for this reason I come to my next point. I've been feeling very much in the dumps lately, and you've all been wonderful in listening to me vent and share my frustrations. I don't think I could go on and get through this seemingly never-ending job search without you all. But I must confess, I feel like I've sorta slipped away from my faih while facing all of this recently, and for that I must apologize to you all. Aside from the friendship I have with you all, my faith is that one lifeline that seems to keep me sane. And I've not been in the Word and haven't been praying as much. I've sorta felt like my prayers haven't been heard anyway...

...and I've gotta get past that. I didn't go to church this morning, mostly because it was the entire family's original plan not to go til the later service. Well, since there is family in town, my parents went on and went early...and I stayed home. I'm going to meet them in a bit at my grandmother's house, but I feel like now I skipped out because I'm feeling so sorry for myself.

I won't lie. I'm still hurting like hell about my lack of success in getting a teaching job yet again. But God works in strange ways sometimes when I try to avoid him. Heck, I think He does that with everyone. I actually pulled my Bible out this morning, something I'm not all that great with during the week, particularly between work and school. But I know I *have* to make time for Him now. After all, along with all you guys, He's my lifeline to staying sane.

Well, this is what I read this morning, and I wanted to share. Part of the verse I was directed to by one of you. But I continued on past and got nailed right betweent the eyes.

"I say this because I know what I am planning for you," says the Lord. "I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future. Then you will call my name. You will come to me and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will search for me. AND WHEN YOU SEARCH FOR ME WITH ALL YOUR HEART, YOU WILL FIND ME.

Jeremiah 29:11-13, New Century version (Bold is DEFINITELY for emphasis. And just FYI, I no longer care too much for the version of the Bible that I have, but for the purposes of these verses, it's RATHER clear and profound.)

And I have nothing further to add except thank you all so much for your prayers and thoughts, and for listening to me vent. You mean the world to me.

Short...but not necessarily sweet.

Well, teaching fair today. There are two schools I interviewed for that I *REALLY* want to work at. I wonder if I even still have a shot, though. You guessed it, no job so far. I think I'm facing a breaking point...I've about had enough of this, and I don't know how much more I can take. It's utterly devestating to be so sure of what you at least THINK you are supposed to be doing only to see doors slam in your face every time you try to get to that point.

I'm not ruling out the possibility that something may come up...but as the time progresses, I get a little bit more pessimistic about all of it. I just can't keep doing this, and if I can't get the teaching job then why the heck am I going to school? I'd love to throw in the towel right now...

...but there's always that damning hope somewhere in the back of my mind, lurking. I wonder sometimes how much longer it will survive.

I hate to sound needy, but I really need prayers and thoughts. I'm at my wits end.

Words from Above???

Ok, this is already a bizarre post, cause you are all lucky if I post once every week, let alone twice in one day. But I just HAD to post this. First and foremost, I have NOT had any medication, have NOT suddenly decided to drink, did NOT have any drug/chemical/substance in my body out of the norm...

...so that stated, something pretty profound happened to me on the way to school tongiht. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself, stressed about tomorrow's job fair, missing friends, all of that. Mostly, the latter. I was thinking how I blogged about not being in the RIGHT place, and this perhaps contributing to the reason I hadn't found my niche' here...

...when out of NOWHERE the words "I'm everywhere Carrie, every place is Mine." popped into my head. I think I spent the rest of the drive to school in tears. Lord knows I want to go back to Tennessee more than anything...

...but I'm somehow going to have to keep in mind that while I'm not where I'd LIKE to be, I still can have some purpose here, albeit small.

So now that you all know I hear voices in my head, feel free to call the funny farm. But I really thought this one was worth sharing, for all you guys who actually read this blog.

I'm everywhere. Every place is Mine.

For more on this, check out Romans 8:38-9

"But in all these things we have full victory through God who showed His Love for us. Yes I am sure that neither Death, nor Life, nor angels, nor ruling spirits, nothing now, nothing in the future, no powers, nothing above us, nothing below us, nor anything else in the whole world will ever be able to seperate us from the Love of God who is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (New Century Version)

Yes, I know I've been AWOL again...

Ok, it's been a heck of a long time since I blogged, mostly because between talking to my select little group of friends and doing homework, work, and sleep I haven't figured this into my schedule. There's really nothing profound for me to post, not that I'm all that profound anyway. I've got a teaching fair tomorrow, and I'm really freaked as all hell about it. Seems like just another opportunity for me to not get a job; another opportunity to be rejected, another opportunity for me to just be stuck.

I know the negativity doesn't suit the situation. I know the more positive I am about it, the better I'll probably do. And I know I should be relying on God to give it to me in the right time and place...

...but then I keep going back to wondering if this IS the right time and the right place. Everybody knows I don't want to be here, and it's just a matter of time for me to work up my nerve and pack up.

I guess my fear is I'll pack up, move home, and everyone there will move away, leaving me back at square one. And my feelings on this are pretty much based in reality. Heck, maybe they are the ONLY feelings I have that are based in reality. People will come and go...

...and the ones who mean the most usually stick close regardless of the distance. And I guess that's what's keeping me going. And well, I didn't mean to ramble on so. I had to vent somewhere. Heck, I'm crying. Yeesh.

On a happier note...The mysterious birthday present Kate is sending is driving me crazy...