Top 10 Reasons Carrie is Really Stressed

10. I cannot find the right song to play on Media Player to fit my mood right now.
9. Nobody is posting on the Pod right now.
8. I cannot read any of my cool new books because I have classwork to do.
7. I have classwork I still have to do before Thursday.
6. Tomorrow is a work day. I do not want to go to work.
5. My vacation in Tennessee was not long enough. I need another one.
4. I have a teaching fair that I am going to on Friday. I'm scared as hell it's going to end in me not getting a job in the school system again. Sometimes I feel like my dreams just continue to slip through my hands no matter how hard I try.
3. I do not like being in Jacksonville, FL. Heck, I hate being in Jacksonville, FL. I want to move home.
2. Kate tried to call me last night and I, being a total idiot, turned my phone on silent while I went to see Revenge of the Sith for the second time and never turned it back on.
1. Kate is on the way home from a trip and is sick. I'm told she is feeling better, but I will still be worried til I know she is home safe.

Carrie's "Long-Awaited" Review of Revenge of the Sith

Ok, so I actually got to go see the movie Saturday morning, and I want nothing more than to call in sick tomorrow morning and go see it a few more times. Really, I think this is one of the better of the six, and very well done. Perhaps one of the best in terms of storyline and appeal to older audiences...this was not a children's movie. Although I've heard complaints about Hayden Christensen's acting, I didn't see it as being bad. Granted, you won't find me saying he is the best actor I've ever seen, but his performance really didn't affect the movie in any way. Generally, I think his acting is supposed to be somewhat stiff...

...after all he's playing a guy who is simply confused as all hell. I find it interesting how Padme's death was played out, as well as how the final battle between Obi-Wan and Anakin plays out. Anakin is simply so jealous and manipulated by Palpatine that he can't see past the end of his own nose. It is also very clear to me that the Emperor knew that, in order to have Anakin for himself completely, he would have to get rid of both Padme and Obi-Wan.

My only "gripe" perse with the film was that some of the "joke" lines were totally misplaced. This is the only thing which makes this movie somewhat less well-done than Empire Strikes Back. While both films are dark, the humor in ESB tended to be very well placed. HOWEVER, ESB doesn't come anywhere close to giving the viewer the grating, on-the-edge-of-your-seat feeling that ROTS did. In terms of being a "middle act" for the six-movie set, the film does an excellent job. All ends are tied up nicely (the twins, where the go, what happens to Padme, how Yoda gets to Degobah and Obi-Wan to Tatooine, why Qui-Gon didn't disappear, etc.) but the emotion and climatic nature of the film itself is maintained. Heck, Obi-Wan even picks up Anakin's lightsaber before leaving him in the lava pit, unable to finish the job completely that Yoda assigned him to. In fact, all along, I fully believe Obi-Wan's hope is to turn Anakin back rather than kill him.

To make a long story short, I thought it was very well done. I will be going back to see it again. But I'm a Star Wars nerd like that anyway. :)

Shouts out to Tennessee

I could post about a few different things right now, especially considering I'm an EXTREMELY hyped up Star Wars fan who isn't getting to see Revenge of the Sith until Saturday morning. I could also tell you that my day at school was okay. But I'm going to tell you instead that it's KATE'S BIRTHDAY in just a few hours, so I thought it was very important to dedicate this particular blog to the bestest friend I have in the whole universe. And because I'm not there to bake you a cake for your birthday right now, girl, you'll have to collect up the next time I'm in town...

...or when you come see me *cough. In lieu of the aforementioned cake, however, I'm going to sing to you...via blog.

*clears throat* (to the tune of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas")

I wish you a happy birthday,
I wish you a happy birthday,
I wish you a happy birthday...
And a ha-a-ppy year!
Good presents for you
From all of your friends
Good presents and cake
and a ha-a-ppy year!
I wish you a happy birthday,
I wish you a happy birthday...
And a ha-a-ppy year!

Or, if you don't care for that version there is this one:

(to the tune of "a well known Choir Tour song)

It-it-it it is your birthday (your birthday)
It-it-it is the very best time (of the year)
There's no better day anyone could ever think of
So good to know, it is your birthday today

And there's also this version:

(to the tune of "Breakfast at Tiffany's)

And I said what about Kate's birthday?
And I said I think I remember the da-aate
Yes I recall I think it's coming quite soon
And I said wow it is her birthday today

And I saved the best for last:

(To the tune of "We are the Champions)

It is your birthday my friend,
And it will be til the end (da dum dum dum)
So Ha-a-ppy birthday, Ha-a-ppy birthday
No time for losers cause it is your birthday my friend.

So in other words, happy b-day girl. You are the bomb.

Ten on Tuesday

Kate gave me this great link to Ten on Tuesday today and I thought it was pretty cool, so I figured I'd list one as well. Here goes:

10 Brand Names You (or rather *I*) Can't Live Without

1. Boston Gas Permeable Lens Care

2. Eight O'Clock Coffee

3. Mary Kay Cosmetics

4. Dr. Pepper

5. Twinings Tea

6. Mr. Coffee (hey, have to have a coffee pot to make coffee...)

7. Biolage (hair cleanliness is IMPORTANT!!!)

8. Bellsouth (phone, internet,the works)

9. Saturn

10. Shell Gasoline (how dare you put anything else in your car!!!!)

Hold on to Your Dream

Because it is now past my bedtime and I've been messing around with the bloggerbot to see if I can get pics up on this thing, I'm not going to post anything too profound tonight...

...at least, I'm not posting anything too profound that *I've* written. But, thanks to Kate I've found a song by Irene Cara with some nice lyrics to go along with my recent mood of hanging on to dreams. I haven't actually HEARD this song, but the lyrics are great nonetheless.

The Dream (Hold on to Your Dream)

I've been chasing dreams for so long
Just one step behind and then they're gone
Illusions of love would come and go
I guess you have to hurt before you grow
And everybody knows
Never let go of the, never let go of the dream

I always seem to lose what I thought was mine
And many times I tried to leave it behind
Deep inside, hope was still alive
Deep inside, dreams will never die
That is why we're movin' closer to the truth

It's really great for me to be here
I've won over the pain and the fear
It's been so very hard through the years
Been looking through a rainbow of tears
And still I never really let go of the dream

Sometimes I saw my life just falling apart
And all the rejection tearing at my heart
Deep inside, hope was still alive
Deep inside, dreams will never die
If you try there'll be so much more for you

It's really great for me to be here
I've won over the pain and the fear
It's been so very hard through the years
Been looking through a rainbow of tears
And still I never really let go of the dream

We can all be free, we hold the key
If we can see what we wanna be
Life's never easy, you get no guarantees
Why not give your all and see what you can find?

Add this to my list of songs that really mean something to me...that is unless for some reason the song sucks when put to music ;).

Oh, and I'll leave all my comic-booking fans with a little trivia here:

What Star Wars actor/actress has also cowritten a graphic novel?

Stargazing

Just a little poem...cause I wrote it and cause I feel like crying my eyes out and this is my way to vent.

As I lay me down to sleep
Dear Lord I’m stargazing with a head full of dreams
I feel lost in all that I long for today
And I pray that in all of this Your will might lead the way
As I reach for those stars should I really wonder why
Your hand has lead me here yet I still long to touch the sky
Help me rest assured that You know what I need
And I pray that in all of this it is Your will that I dream

CMH, 5/14/05

As Suspected

I really don't want to dredge up the feelings I am feeling right now on this blog, particularly because I think only about 3 or 4 people read this thing, and they already know how I'm feeling. Being a pretty together person, it all comes down to the fact that I feel absolutely and utterly alone.. I feel trapped where I am, and I don't know what to do about it. I've even gone so far as to investigate the Northeast Florida Astrological Society, an interest of mine, just to have something to actually do other than work, school, and sleep. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I need an outlet, and unless things change really soon, I need it now.

Sorry to dump, but this is my blog so I figure what the heck, that's what it's for. Maybe going to church tomorrow will help, but I honestly don't even know if I'm going to the right church anymore. Granted, I like the contemporary worship and all, but there's no social outlet for me there either, and I would THINK that would be a primary place for such. I don't know, I hope this isn't sounding assinine the way I'm putting it. I don't expect church to center around my needs, but at the same time I guess I expect it to be a place where I can go as a refuge. I mean, isn't this the point? Maybe we're back to the fact that I'm a Christian who loves Star Wars, astronomy, and role playing...and that's a pretty rare combo. Maybe it's something even more than just that.

*sighs* I'm not going to ramble on further with this. Just keep me in your thoughts and prayers everyone, K?

A Post of Totally Random Information

Some totally random things you may or may not want to know:

1. When I bought me a Mr Pibb before class this afternoon, I made the discovery that it is a "low sodium" beverage, as per the outside label of the bottle. So folks, if you're looking for a high-sugar, caffienated, yet LOW-SODIUM drink, Mr. Pibb works.

2. Being alone this weekend sucks. I am spoiled from last weekend. I suppose I should actually try to find a place to socialize...but where does a person who is a Christian, Star Wars loving, role-playing, astronomy nerd go to socialize?

3. We are the Champions is a really cool song. Just ask my best friend Kate. As she states, it's our "silly song," and for that reason it always makes me smile when I hear it. Besides, we are the champions. And everybody knows that, right?

4. This song is found in the cool movie version of Phantom of the Opera. It is one of the most depressing songs I've heard in my life...

...but in some ways it mirrors how I feel right now.

Class, anyone?

Tonight was my first night of class for the summer semester, a class which is supposed to meet 6:10 to 9:40. Tonight we were to meet on the 4th floor of the library; I got there at quarter to 6 and no one was there. I was beginning to wonder if I was at the wrong place because the professor gave no specific room number; just the 4th floor of the library. But finally, people started showing. And then, at about 6:15, we realized the professor was still not there. We waited. 6:20. 6:25. Finally someone called his office on a cell phone and got the assistant. The professor had a sudden trip out of town because a family member passed away.

Ok, fine. But why didn't this guy tell us somehow? But the story gets even better.

So the assistant tells us we are meeting in ANOTHER building at 7:00. So we all travel in a herd to that building and wait for the sub. She shows up, we start heading for the class...

...only to discover that there is a class already in there til 8 and that another class will follow. So then the sub went looking for another room. We needed a room with computers, so not just anything would do. As it ended up we met in a classroom with no computers, she took roll, we talked about a few minor technology issues relating to the course, and were dismissed by 7:30.

What a fun evening. And to add to all the fun, I had to drive to an off-campus bookstore this afternoon to get one of my books, even though I ordered them online. The one book had been backordered, and I needed it by tomorrow. So not only did I have to pick up my books I ordered at the campus bookstore, I had to drive to the College Bookrack during rush hour traffic.

What a day.

Enya, and other random thoughts

Ok, I'm not as emotional as yesterday...but I'm feeling very much alone and out of place still. Some of this will go away when I start school tomorrow because I won't have so much time to think, but the feeling will remain, deep inside, as it always does. I might try to convince myself it's not there...

...but I wouldn't be successful in the least. If anything, pretending my desire to be in a place I call home again was nonexistent might only worsen matters. I can only hope that I get a job at the teaching fair I'm going to in June, since it'll knock off a good semester or more of my schooling...and it'll get me certified to teach special education. Granted, if I decided to jump states and go back home to Memphis, I might have to take a teaching test to have certification in that state, but I wouldn't foresee that as a problem.

I have to admit, this time coming back to Florida was harder than it ever has been before. I'm tired of this loneliness and of the pretense that everything is just peachy-keen here. I feel like I'm in a downward tail-spin, and I'm not quite sure what will help aside from getting the heck out of Florida.

Now, to totally change the subject to a somewhat less dim note, it seems like I was missed at work. My kids have being going nuts on the substitues and the girl that works as my assistant. I think my assistant takes the children out of the room too often and leaves them out too often after removal. There is something to be said about the fact that it is summer and we have almost all boys. These kids don't want to be in a classroom...

...and quite frankly, right now, neither do I. Man, I need to get into the school system. For my sanity's sake, for the possibility of getting out of Florida sooner...

...and on an even shallower note, so I can get summer's off already.

And, as if I haven't already stated it enough, Kate, I miss you like hell. And we are the champions, right? :)

and BTW, these lyrics to Only Time by Enya pretty much sum up how I'm feeling about now:

Who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows?
Only time...

And who can say if your love grows,
As your heart chose?
Only time...

Who can say why your heart sighs,
As your love flies?
Only time...

And who can say why your heart cries,
When your love dies?
Only time...

Who can say when the roads meet,
That love might be,
In your heart.

And who can say when the day sleeps,
If the night keeps all your heart?
Night keeps all your heart...

Who can say if your love grows,
As your heart chose?
Only time...

And who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows?
Only time...

Who knows?
Only time...

Who knows?
Only time...

Breakdown at Concourse B

Ok, back in one piece in the not-so-green city of Jacksonville, FL. And if you can't tell by that one first statement, I'm not really thrilled to be back here. In fact, I'm crying as I type this, and have been doing so on and off for the entire day, ever since I cleared airport security in Memphis.

Having to leave home sucks. And that's what Memphis is, home. I'm apparently so convinced of this that, when I finally got out of the concourse and to baggage claim and found Mom waiting, I finally had a good cry. That sure as hell didn't make her feel any better...and honestly, it didn't make me feel any better either. I feel like a person lost at sea: I can see the lighthouse on the shore indicating where home is, but I just can't get there...at least not permanantly right now. I struggle with myself and what I'd like to do..which is blow this joint and go back to Memphis for good.

But then, what happens should my friends there more? Where will that leave me? Alone again, like I feel so very alone and out of place right now? I just don't know.

Anyway, sorry this is like the most depressing thing I've ever posted. I really did have an awesome time in Memphis...I miss the piano singing sessions, hot tea, coffee (which we never had, AHEM!) and comradarie and memories. And that's what makes it all so damn hard...absolutely nothing I have here in Jacksonville can hold a candle to that, no matter how much I love my family here. It'd kill me to leave them, sure.

But I'm starting to think that someday not so far away that's in my hand of cards.

Dread

I'm going to make this short and simple. I do not want to go back to fl tomorrow. I love my family dearly, but I have something here in Tennessee I don't have anywhere else. When I come back, I always feel like this is the place I really belong. And I know, if it were possible right now, I wouldn't think two seconds about moving back. So how do you find balance in all this? It'll take me another 4 years to finish my Masters, which is something i really need to do first...

...but I don't know if I can go that long. I know, I'm being melodramatic, but this is really how I feel. And it's hell.

To My Mother (and all those others out there...)

Although my Mom knows nothing about this blog, I might send her the text to this one. After all, it's going to be all about her. You see, my Mom is the reason I believe in God, for I know without a doubt the One behind her HAS to be God. After all, without her, I wouldn't be here at all. As a cleft palate baby in the late 70s, many thought I wouldn't even live long. I couldn't have the operation to close the cleft until I was 2, and everything I ate was not "staying down," so to speak. So who was it that had the divine intuition to go to the hospital (after probably spending countless hours feeding me with a syringe with no success) to go get premie (sp?) bottle nipples? Who was the one who experimented for even more countless hours til she got just the right hole in those nipples so I could eat successfully, and live? You already know the answer...my mother.

When I was diagnosed with a mild neuromuscular disorder, it was my mother who was there. She was the one who told me everything was going to be ok, though she didn't really feel it at the moment. She's the one who has always kept me in her prayers and under her wing, who has sacrificed time and money and evrything else so that I could be what I am today. I just feel utterly blessed to have her, and I have to really stop and remember today that no matter the circumstance she is always at my back, always there...and not everyone has that...not at least in the form of a mother.

Mom, I love you very much. Happy mother's day.

Best Friends

Friends will be friends
When you're in need of love they give you care and attention
Friends will be friends
When you're through with life and all hope is lost
Hold out your hand 'cos right till the end - friends will be friends
Yeah yeah

from "Friends will be Friends" by Qqeen

I'd be insane if I sat here and told you that, when Kate went out driving at 1:00 am, I wasn't freaked out of my mind. Wasn't worried that I had done something to trigger her reaction. I'd be insane also if I didn't admit that at that moment my heart was breaking and horrified...

...and absolutely not for myself. Kate, I can't say much other at this moment than I love you very much, and you are still and will always be that one friend I actually trust and know is utterly geniune, no matter what is going on in your head. My prayers anD love are always with you, even though I can't say I know what you are going through. A wise friend of ours (no names mentioned, Matt) says that when you grow up, you choose who you take with you. Now, I don't know how much I've grown up (seeng as I work with preschoolers:)) but I know you always stay here with me in my heart and mind. To me, the depth of feeling and caring you show is simply out of this world. You're a true rarity, and it is my great privelege to know you and be your friend.

Back Home (and other random thoughts)

Well, I'm back in Memphis, Tennessee and in one piece (for those of you out there who are reading and actually care). Minor details are that the flight had turbulence coming out of Jacksonville but got better approaching Memphis, and it is beautiful here today. It always seems like we pick up where we left off, and I was never gone. Heck, I WISH I had never been gone, but we won't go there cause we've already been in previous blog posts. It's a quality of friendship thing; something I find lacking in any "relationships" I have in Jacksonville, which are slim to none.

We've had the discussion, in some depth, about our experiences in church as we grew up (since we both went to the same place a number of years). This discussion really got down to the heart of why our friendship is what it is; both of us it seems were looking for someone GENUINE and we found it in each other over those years. And, while I go to church weekly, I think it is absolutely horrifying as a Christian that, in a church setting, finding someone genuine is so difficult. I mean, isn't that what it's all about? Help me out folks, because if it isn't, I somehow missed the boat. How can people be so screwed up to think that being a Christian means fire insurance, and nothing more? How can they not see how they turn people off when they preach and preach and preach but then go from what they preach and live shallow and hypocritical and judgemental lives?

Dear Lord, I hope this isn't the case with myself. And, as I commented, I think this shallowness is the reason I had more non-Christian friends in school than Christian ones. I mean, these folks were REAL, and some of the supposed Christians in my highschool really were anything BUT real. Am I concerned about those non-Christian friends souls though? Heck yes. Do I let them know where I stand? I think so. But do I feel the need to ram it downt their throats? I sure hope that's not what I do. I mean, there's a difference between taking a stand on what you believe and totally alienating a person based on the fact that they don't believe it too.

As I said, if being a friend first and foremost as a Christian isn't number one priority, then I missed the boat folks....but I somehow think I'm right on target. And now that I have used this entire blog as a random, free-flow sounding board, I hope you've gotten something out of it.

Lyrics to Live By?

I thought I'd just post these lyrics, just because I find them intriguing...

...and I have to wonder about the validity of them, regardless of the fact they are from a children's movie, one which still holds a place in my heart. So here they are:

Neverending Story sung by Limahl (who is a really funky looking 80's character if you ask me, but nevermind that...)

Turn around,
Look at what you see,
In her face,
The mirror of your dreams,

Make believe I'm everywhere,
Given In The Lines,
Written on the pages,
Is the answer to a neverending story,
(aaah,aaah,aaah)

Reach the stars,
Fly a fantasy,
Dream a dream,
And what you see will be,

CHORUS:

Rhymes that keep their secrets,
Will unfold behind the clouds,
And there upon the rainbow,
Is the answer to a neverending story,
(aaah,aaah,aaah)

Story...
(aaah,aaah,aaah)

Show no fear,
For she may fade away,
In your hands,
The birth of a new day,

CHORUS

Neverending story...(aaah,aaah,aaah)

So my question is, how many times have we let a dream of ours slip by simply because we don't believe in it enough to "reach the stars"? I sure know I've done it before. The dare I place to you who may be reading is to be bold enough to actually dream the dreams, and take the risks. God gives us those wonderful dreams for a reason...

...it's up to us to believe in ourselves enough, and HIM enough, to take on the challenge...