I Poured My Heart Out...
I debated over making this post for fear of sounding whiny or sacrilegious. But the truth is I've gotta get it out somewhere and it would sure help if someone could give me something to hang onto here. I'd like to think of myself as a fairly decent individual, and a pretty good listener. I also know I'm not the only person in the world with the problems I have. I know I'm not the only person who wishes there was someone here with me at night, be it a close friend or a significant other. I know I'm not the only Christian who isn't always the example I should be.
So why is it that when I go to church and go to life group (formerly known as Sunday School) and pour my heart out I feel judged? I openly admitted I've been out of a small group for some time, that I can easily get wrapped up in my work and my schooling, and that I'm not the best at Bible reading daily like I should. And I wasn't the only one to admit such things. Yet no one really had any good support or comments. In fact, I don't recall anyone having ANYTHING to say.
Is this because they know my family and they are wondering what the heck happened with me? Is it because I also admitted that, being single, it is very easy for me to draw up into myself and avoid the world? Well guess what, that's the truth. And I don't think I'm the only one there either.
Ok, so I don't know what I want anybody to say to me to help me out with this. I guess I just wonder if I'm insane, if I'm asking for too much...
...or something. I'm tired of sitting here crying, wishing for one nearby friend. I'm tired of feeling alone even in a crowd. And I'm really troubled that, even when I've made the effort, the one place I SHOULD be able to get some support seems to be the last place to get any. I want it all to work out, really. I want to go to church and feel comfortable there. But I'm not, which seriously troubles me. Because if as someone who has been church-active all my life feels uncomfortable...
...well I think you can figure where I'm going with that.
So why is it that when I go to church and go to life group (formerly known as Sunday School) and pour my heart out I feel judged? I openly admitted I've been out of a small group for some time, that I can easily get wrapped up in my work and my schooling, and that I'm not the best at Bible reading daily like I should. And I wasn't the only one to admit such things. Yet no one really had any good support or comments. In fact, I don't recall anyone having ANYTHING to say.
Is this because they know my family and they are wondering what the heck happened with me? Is it because I also admitted that, being single, it is very easy for me to draw up into myself and avoid the world? Well guess what, that's the truth. And I don't think I'm the only one there either.
Ok, so I don't know what I want anybody to say to me to help me out with this. I guess I just wonder if I'm insane, if I'm asking for too much...
...or something. I'm tired of sitting here crying, wishing for one nearby friend. I'm tired of feeling alone even in a crowd. And I'm really troubled that, even when I've made the effort, the one place I SHOULD be able to get some support seems to be the last place to get any. I want it all to work out, really. I want to go to church and feel comfortable there. But I'm not, which seriously troubles me. Because if as someone who has been church-active all my life feels uncomfortable...
...well I think you can figure where I'm going with that.
posted by StargazerGirl at 11:15 PM
16 Comments:
Have you considered changing "life groups" or even churches? If you don't feel welcome, or if you think people are expecting a level of you because of your family, maybe it's time to explore your options. (Again, maybe you can just find another group within your church??)
In any case, you know where to find me if you need to talk. :)
I have been through multiple groups at the church. I have seriously considered going to a different church. I'm waiting for graduation because school is complicating my life on all levels right now.
Actually, finding support from without is quite often NOT what it takes in a situation such as this. FIRST OF ALL, let me put it this way: if you pre-judge yourself, you will then feel pre-judged by others. It's all a matter of self confidence. NO ONE CAN HURT YOU UNLESS YOU LET HIM OR HER DO SO. Do you want to be in control of your feeling, or leave it up to others? Once you get over this "self-scrutiny," you will be a stronger person, and THAT will show on the outside.
The anonymous comment above was posted by me, grrr. I hate this blog set-up!
BOTH THE ABOVE ANONYMOUS POSTS WERE POSTED BY ME, GRAYSITH, WHAT THE HECK IS WITH THIS SET-UP ANYWAY???? Ya know, if I didn't have to mess around so much trying to figure out how to get my comments to post here, I'd do so more often! How do I get my userid to show? It USED to, but I had to diddle around trying... GRRR!
THERE, THIRD TRY'S THE CHARM, lol...
ANYWAY, have you tried non-church groups? I mean, what are your interests? Interests mean there are interest groups out there, aka, I am interested in astronomy, so I belong to an astronomy club. I like science fiction, so I belong to a science fiction club. Find something, JOIN IN. You CAN'T sit around hoping some white knight is going to magically appear in your life; life is what YOU make it. NO EXCUSES.
Ok, there it went again putting me as ANONYMOUS!!! GRRR!!! It's me, GRAYSITH, trying again...
ANYWAY... lol, you like kids. Have you thought of volunteering? Get out there, find something like that, you just might find someone else who likes the same things you do. But again, to repeat myself, sitting around moping, or going to *shudders* some purported "support group" where everyone just vultures around waiting to see who's worse off than they are (oh yeah, it happens - LOL!!!) is NOT going to help. Nothing in life is free, YOU have to make the first step to reach out to others. Don't say "I can't," that's what losers say. You can be a loser or a winner, depends on YOU and nobody else!!
Oh yeah, another comment: re the "school is complicating things..." THAT'S ANOTHER EXCUSE. Yeah, you go to school. You work. YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO'S EVER DONE THIS. I did; I worked the night shift (full time) and went to school FULL TIME (18 hours) and still managed to get out on weekends or my free evenings to DO something, to get together with people I was meeting in clubs and so on. That's how you make friends, you have to make that initial effort, AND KEEP IT UP. What you put into friendships and so on is in direct proportion to what you get out, generally speaking.
Oh yeah, and please don't take this as suggesting you leave the church or anything, but... I grew up Lutheran, and then for a SHORT period of time I went to a born again type church. Choir and everything. I have found that being overly involved in stuff "churchy" inhibits growth and intellectual curiosity; if you can't just "believe" then you're damned to perdition and all that crap. I mean it, I've never met more narrow-minded people anywhere than I have in church groups. If you don't believe as they believe, you're crap. And even if you DO claim to believe what they believe! Hypocrisy everywhere, squabbling, back-stabbing, oh yeah. Terrible... but true. Then they sit in the pews on Sundays with self-righteous smiles on their faces, brrr. Makes me shiver.
So don't feel bad if they seem to accuse you. Consider the source.
Another thing: consider belief systems in general. How do they develop? Most of them are part in parcel of growing up, and thus are simply accepted as "fact" when we reach adulthood. But it's just because we've been taught these. What about OTHER religious beliefs? Each sect or type feels just as strongly that theirs is the "right one." Where is the objective bystander who points to the "correct" belief? Point is, don't feel "bad" if deep down you are uncomfortable with the church. You are merely growing, finding yourself, and what has been spoonfed to you as a child is suddenly, perhaps, not up to par according to reality. Just a thought to consider.
It's never easy when the support group that you relied upon isn't giving you the support you think you need. Is this your only group of friends down there? I thought you had joined an astronomy club? If you look outside of the church, you might find that bigger, broader world that waits for you. What about Christian dating sites? Might sound corny, but ya never know.
I know you said at one point that you "didn't like going out to meet strangers..." or words to that effect. Ummm... but weren't friends, or people you know, at one time once strangers, too? Don't be afraid to stick your neck out; you HAVE to take risks if you're going to grow.
Look at what your students do, after all.
And a final suggestion: if you simply cannot find it within yourself to take that first step, then you ARE (just as you said) destined to remain drawn up in yourself. Only it's NOT because you're single. True, being single and unwilling to reach out to others only makes it "easier" to remain drawn into oneself. But at this point, seriously, if you sit alone at night crying, I think you'd better go find some professional help. Those so-called life groups certainly don't seem to be able to help you, more than likely because THEY don't have any answers themselves, nor the credentials to really give you the help you need. You need help learning to take those first steps, and that's something someone with training is far more capable of teaching you. Find a good psychologist, it's not a stigma going to one, you know. And it doesn't mean you're crazy, either.
Graysith said alot of things that made sense.
i can only add the fact that geminis *if u believe in that sort of thing*
tend to process the world quite cerebrally, when all we really want is to experience life in a more feeling, direct way.
sometimes the hard way is the right way;
1) talking to new ppl
2) talking to someone u already know in a way that u KNOW will make u uncomfortable
3) finding another support group
..mostly what Sith said, just worded differently eh?
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