Brutal Honesty
At the risk of stepping on toes and so forth, I'm about to lay out some brutal honesty that hurts me to even write about. This thing has been eating at me for a while, and I need to vent it. And hey, this is supposed to be my space to do just that, right?
So here it is. I feel like I'm in a wasteland of buried hopes here, and I feel like I'm living in that wasteland virtually alone. Granted, there are some people (who I have never even MET in real life) who are consistently around and talk to me) that I am not referring to when I vent this. I've got a wonderful job, I feel like I do something that means something...
...but when I go home at night, there are no phone calls for me. Aside from probably two people, again who I have never really met, I rarely receive IMs. I'm so tired of the fair weather variety, those who are my friend when they haven't anyone else's shoulder to cry on, but who seem to forget me when everything is ok. I mean, sheesh, I think I'm a fairly nice person to know. I might not be the most interesting person, but I'm not an axe murderer last time I checked. I don't have totally bizarre tendencies, I don't bite, and I don't stalk people. So why doesn't anyone talk to me? Am I just that forgettable?
I suppose so. And really, who is going to be around to even read this particular vent? There will be a few of you, I know. But then there are those who have forgotten me enough that they won't even read this. Makes me feel really meaningful. And it hurts, you know? It really, down deep, hurts like hell.
I'm not a social character, and after all this maybe everyone can figure out why. I constantly feel that, if I fell of the face of the earth that, yeah, some people would miss me...
...but not the people I really expected to at one point in my life. I've had enough of loneliness, and I really should do something about that. But first I'd love an answer to my ultimate question:
What is it about me that is so forgettable, that the people that I love and care about seem to not remember me?
So here it is. I feel like I'm in a wasteland of buried hopes here, and I feel like I'm living in that wasteland virtually alone. Granted, there are some people (who I have never even MET in real life) who are consistently around and talk to me) that I am not referring to when I vent this. I've got a wonderful job, I feel like I do something that means something...
...but when I go home at night, there are no phone calls for me. Aside from probably two people, again who I have never really met, I rarely receive IMs. I'm so tired of the fair weather variety, those who are my friend when they haven't anyone else's shoulder to cry on, but who seem to forget me when everything is ok. I mean, sheesh, I think I'm a fairly nice person to know. I might not be the most interesting person, but I'm not an axe murderer last time I checked. I don't have totally bizarre tendencies, I don't bite, and I don't stalk people. So why doesn't anyone talk to me? Am I just that forgettable?
I suppose so. And really, who is going to be around to even read this particular vent? There will be a few of you, I know. But then there are those who have forgotten me enough that they won't even read this. Makes me feel really meaningful. And it hurts, you know? It really, down deep, hurts like hell.
I'm not a social character, and after all this maybe everyone can figure out why. I constantly feel that, if I fell of the face of the earth that, yeah, some people would miss me...
...but not the people I really expected to at one point in my life. I've had enough of loneliness, and I really should do something about that. But first I'd love an answer to my ultimate question:
What is it about me that is so forgettable, that the people that I love and care about seem to not remember me?
posted by StargazerGirl at 1:04 AM
2 Comments:
u r not forgettable, never were.
but it would help if u sent a message my way once in awhile, or emailed!
:soft nudge:
that said, one reason ur pissed iz cuz ur single @ da moment. and yea, im pissed too.
perhaps notforexactly the same reasons, but im willin' to bet a hundred bucks its a large part of them
..sometimes, ppl who arent that social get treated liek second-class citizens.
believe me, i know.
one thing u CAN do iz continue mixing with that Podcast crowd u got going there n' try to stay in touch with some of yer old pals, whilst seeking new friends.
yes, friends. why didnt i say boyfriends?? cuz yea, you could but that would be a redundant message, if u know what i mean.
im almost as sick as hearing bout it as u r.
and..most of all, take pride in what ur doin'. hell, im hardly doing anything w/my life and u?
ur helping lil kids find meaning in their lives and doing something u wanted to do for so many of the years ive known u
..dont let up, gurl.
Ok, Mara, it's me! I found this post whilst scooping your blog --OH YES, I DO come here upon occasion, LOL, just not consistently nor constantly; this post is pushing me to reply.
First of all, beware online romances. Hehe; I just had to put that in due to the obvious nature of the preceding comment. But sheesh, you NEVER know who is for real out there and who isn't; some of these creeps are really smooth and SUPER GOOD at worming stuff out of you. I don't know how much of that kind of thing you've done, this may be out of context. But you know me, always analyzing, LOL.
OK now for the REALLY important stuff. My mom taught me TWO THINGS TO NEVER FORGET:
1. THE WORLD IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT TO BE FOR YOURSELF. No one is going to make it for you, no one is going to come your way unasked. If you feel you don't have any friends, then you're not making any in "real life," just in the anonymity of online IM and chat and stuff. The trueblues in THAT arena (like yours truly and PGhst) are few and far between. So find an interest, go out and do it, and chances are you'll make friends with others having the same interest. I recommend a local sci-fi club. Find one, go to a meeting, and you'll understand why.
2. NO ONE CAN HURT YOU UNLESS YOU LET IT HAPPEN. It's a mindset kind of thing, and something difficult to assimilate into one's worldview. BUT work on it, you'll be surprised. What people do or think concerning you is THEIR problem, THEIR opinion. And people can be wrong, you know.
Ok, that's it. I hope you find this comment useful... that is, if you find it at all at this late date!
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