Writing...

The loneliness is a palpable thing in this place
And I try to be strong.
The reality is this is truly my fault
I’m the one who is in the wrong.

When there is something for me to do
I shy away in fear.
I want more than anything for friendship
But I hesitate to let anyone near.

I don’t trust that they’ll understand me
And really don’t know how to anymore.
Will anyone ever dare to see
It’s only friendship I’m looking for?

Do you see only the surface?
Do you see within?
Do you dare to look beyond
Can you be my friend?

God, help me to trust you.
For I can’t go on like this
For in this loneliness I’ve created
It’s friendship that I miss.

CMH June 28, 2006

I don't claim this as particularly good poetry, but it's from my heart, and for reasons I can't really explain, I feel guilty that it is. I mean, I'm suddenly overwhelmed with a giant unspoken, "Hey, YOU!" that is trying to tell me that things could be worse, and that I'm being totally self cetered by whining and griping over my own problems. And really, I guess that feeling is at the heart of this poem. My loneliness is really my own fault, and I know this, truly and deeply.

But that doesn't make it an easier thing to get past; in fact I almost feel that it makes things worse for me. I mean, it is so easy for me to get online and talk to people that I've never seen in my life and to people who I knew when I was younger. But the very idea of trying to actually get to "know someone" in real life scares the you-know-what out of me. Being a Christian, of course I know the first and foremost solution to this is that I need to pray about it. Cause I don't think I have the strength on my own to face it.

And for all you loyal readers out there (cause I think you ARE there, even if you don't respond), thanks. The fact that anyone hears what I feel at all means the world to me.

And I swear that someday soon it's gonna get better, somehow.