The First Day of a New School Year
In one more day it approaches, yet another year of school. I will get my first group of children that I lead teach over...
...and in not the area or the place that I had hoped. This is not how it is all supposed to be happening, I keep telling myself. And I keep beating myself up, wondering if I made a mistake when I didn't just take the offer to work at Lighthouse, teaching license or no. But I just don't think I could have done it that way. Just as I don't know just how much longer I can continue in the path I now find myself. Once more I see no light at the end of my tunnel, and I sure as heck don't understand what it is I'm supposed to be learning here or getting here. If it's patience, dear God I think I've had enough working with that. I've been working at the preschool over two years, and have been actively seeking teaching employment for the second school year now.
When does this end? Was it supposed to have already ended, and I missed the window because of my pride in wanting my license?
What gives, and how am I supposed to know where to go from here? I keep on keeping on, and sometimes I feel like I'm doing it alone. I'm trying to keep my head up, and keep my thoughts hopeful. I'm trying to keep it in prayer, and stay positive.
This is all getting harder and harder. And on top of all of this, I have no one to vent any of this to here in FL except my parents, who sometimes are wonderful for this and sometimes aren't. I need an outlet, and I'm struggling to find one.
I'm struggling to find myself and what I'm supposed to be doing with what I've got. Every time I go to the hospital and work with Destiny, I think--heck, sometimes I KNOW that I've found it. But then, if I've found it, then what am I supposed to do with it without the proper job.
I'm frustrated. I'm thankful for what I have been given, but I'm utterly frustrated in that I believe there is still something more out there.
Maybe my hope is based on something false and unreal, but I really can't believe that. I refuse.
Sorry for rambling tonight, but seeing as I don't have anyone to ramble at on AIM tonight, I figured I'd do it here instead.
...and in not the area or the place that I had hoped. This is not how it is all supposed to be happening, I keep telling myself. And I keep beating myself up, wondering if I made a mistake when I didn't just take the offer to work at Lighthouse, teaching license or no. But I just don't think I could have done it that way. Just as I don't know just how much longer I can continue in the path I now find myself. Once more I see no light at the end of my tunnel, and I sure as heck don't understand what it is I'm supposed to be learning here or getting here. If it's patience, dear God I think I've had enough working with that. I've been working at the preschool over two years, and have been actively seeking teaching employment for the second school year now.
When does this end? Was it supposed to have already ended, and I missed the window because of my pride in wanting my license?
What gives, and how am I supposed to know where to go from here? I keep on keeping on, and sometimes I feel like I'm doing it alone. I'm trying to keep my head up, and keep my thoughts hopeful. I'm trying to keep it in prayer, and stay positive.
This is all getting harder and harder. And on top of all of this, I have no one to vent any of this to here in FL except my parents, who sometimes are wonderful for this and sometimes aren't. I need an outlet, and I'm struggling to find one.
I'm struggling to find myself and what I'm supposed to be doing with what I've got. Every time I go to the hospital and work with Destiny, I think--heck, sometimes I KNOW that I've found it. But then, if I've found it, then what am I supposed to do with it without the proper job.
I'm frustrated. I'm thankful for what I have been given, but I'm utterly frustrated in that I believe there is still something more out there.
Maybe my hope is based on something false and unreal, but I really can't believe that. I refuse.
Sorry for rambling tonight, but seeing as I don't have anyone to ramble at on AIM tonight, I figured I'd do it here instead.
posted by StargazerGirl at 2:32 AM
3 Comments:
You know, I haven't been religious in a long time, and that's because I'm working out some stuff (like the whole uber-religious school thing). But I still lean on what I was taught growing up, and it's gotten me through some rough times. Okay, a lot of rough times. I just didn't want what follows to ring hollow with you.
July 22, 2003, wouldn't mean much to you, because you weren't in Memphis then. That was the day "Hurricane Elvis" hit. It was also the day before I went to the doctor for (what I considered) a very scary procedure. Paul and I had just moved Downtown, and there we were with no power, no air-conditioning and no way to know which roads were safe to travel.
Trees and power lines were everywhere. Glass from blown-out windows littered the streets. By word-of-mouth, we mapped out safe routes to and from work that wouldn't be blocked by fallen trees or clean-up crews. And that's how I ended up passing the Union Mission on my way home from work.
I was so scared, because I knew as soon as I got home, I had to start prepping for surgery the next day. My anxiety was doubled because we were trying to work out where to stay -- neither of our parents' houses had power, and Memphis in July without power is unbearable.
And as I was driving past Union Mission, which is a men's homeless shelter, I happened to glance up at their movable type board:
BECAUSE
HE LIVES
I CAN FACE
TOMORROW
I started to cry a bit, and then to sing that hymn which I'd known since I was a little girl. And the next day, as the nurse sedated me for surgery, I sang it again.
You post a lot about your job fears and frustrations. I know it weighs heavy on you, and it would ring hollow for me to tell you to be like Paul and Silas -- unjustly thrown in prison, and still singing praises. That's a lot to ask.
Instead, I want to remind you that God has a purpose for you, whether you sit there wringing your hands about it or not. That's a hard pill to swallow, and if I were in your situation, I think I'd be angry. Angry at myself, angry at my boss, angry at God ... whatever. I'm not a patient person, so telling me something "is in God's hands" usually just gets me worked up.
But I digress...
Read Philippians 2:12-18, especially verses 13-15. It's not going to change anything -- it's certainly not going to magically help you get a job. And you may still be hurt and angry and questioning when you're finished reading it. But maybe it'll serve you the way that hymn served me: As a reminder of God's faithfulness from an unlikely source. And I'm about as unlikely as they come. :)
::hugs:: always. :)
Thanks is about the only word I can think of right now. ::hugs::
So fill us in on how it went already!!
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